This One Goes Out to My Overly-Inquisitive Dental Hygenist (The Doo-Wop Song)

So, a few weeks ago it was time for me to pay my twice annual visit to the dentist's office. Upon sitting in the recliner my dental hygienist says, "Sooooo, do we have any good news?!"

You see, one of the asinine aspects of trying to conceive is that you have to fill in otherwise insignificant people as to the intimate details of your reproductive life. Apparently, their ability to wield X-rays like light-sabers gives them a certain level of privilege.

"No. No good news." I reply, believing that my tone and dry response should be enough to intimate that I'm not willing to discuss things further. But no...

"Oh, really? Nothing good to report?"

What? You mean you'd like to know all about how I began to bleed out in the middle of the night with my entire family in town for Thanksgiving? Would you like to know about the harrowing trip to the ER? The baby I lost the week before in my third D&C procedure that apparently didn't go too well? Or would you rather hear about how all of this coincided with the anniversary of my first baby's death on Thanksgiving Day when I was six months pregnant?!!!!

"No, we just suffered another loss."

"Oh, I'm so sorry," she says. Well, at least she gets credit for knowing an acceptable response. "Is this your second loss?"

"No, third," I clarify.

"I've had two miscarriages myself," she says. Then she begins asking about specifics.

"I lost my first baby at 24 weeks," I explain, "and then I had two first trimester miscarriages since."

"Oh! Both of mine were early. I didn't even know you could lose a baby at that point!"

Is this the right time to fill her in on the other horrors of loss? Do I tell her about my good friend whose baby was stillborn the day after her due date? Is she going to stop with the probing at some point and get to her dentistry?! On cue, she picks up a sharp instrument and begins attacking my mouth. I opt to explain my particular situation rather than to enlighten her about the other various and atrocious forms of loss.

"Well, our first son wasn't miscarried. We discovered that he was very, very sick at a later ultrasound. He was suffering from numerous deformities and the doctors didn't expect him to make it to term. So, after a long and heartbreaking process, we decided to save him from suffering anymore and induced delivery."

There. I've stunned her. She's actually going to be quiet now as she pokes around my gums.
But wait! No, there's a frown... and now a sentence forming... and...

"Well, what would have been wrong with him if he were born, other than a few abnormalities?"

What?! Is my dental hygienist actually asking me to justify the most personal, far-reaching decision my husband and I will ever face in the whole of our lives? And am I supposed to do this whilst she scrapes the plaque off my teeth?! Now I'm pissed. Does she honestly think that anyone - especially me - would say, gee, this kid’s got a few minor issues. Let's chunk him and go for a new one. What the fuck?!

So despite my best efforts, I'm now in a defensive mode. "Well, it wasn't just a few abnormalities. He had clubbed hands, clubbed feet, 25% of the muscle he should have, swelling in his joints which indicated he wasn't thriving, he couldn't extend his legs or bend his arms, his abdominal walls were so weak he couldn't have held himself upright, he couldn't have ever held a writing instrument, walked, used a wheel chair, or even suck his own thumb. He had a cleft palate, a receded chin, and (shall I remind you) the doctors were highly doubtful I could carry him to term. If he'd been okay mentally, he would have been trapped in a body that had the equivalent of charley horses in each and every major muscle for the entirety of his life. We just couldn't take those risks for him. We couldn't allow him to suffer so much just because we selfishly wanted a baby so badly."

There. Maybe that's done it.

Oh, but now she wants to tell me about how God is the only thing that's kept her going through her loses. Obviously she's feeling she's in the presence of sin. It's time for my final retort:

"I know what you mean. God's kept me going too. I'm so thankful he put such great doctors in our path to tell us about Thomas's suffering so that we could help him. After all, if anyone could understand the love it takes to sacrifice your only begotten son in the name of mercy, it would be him, wouldn't it?"

Now, get your Goddamn fingers out of my mouth.

Comments

[Mollie]

Wow. I just found you via Chez Miscarriage and I am blown away.

First, I'll just say how sorry I am about all of your losses. Then I'll say thank you for writing openly and honestly about them, and publishing your words on the web.

Then I'll say I'm honored if indeed I am your first poster. This is a great blog. Can't wait to check in with you some more.

[Julia]

Aw! Mollie, you are my first poster, and THANKS! I was so inspired by Chez Miscarriage that I just had to start my own. Thank you so much for your words of encouragement.

[Kari]

Julia!

I just have to first say, I so admire your way with words. I love you!

Second, I'd like to come kick her ass for you!!!

I'll be checking in often!

[Stephanie]

Oh honey .. it totally sucks all the hell you have been through without having people who don't know you pry for all kinds of personal info. UGH!!! I am with Kari .. I will come kick her ass too!

[Rachelle]

i can't believe what you had to endure in addition to your losses! makes me really ticked. thanks for sharing as we all can relate to many aspects of your blog.

[Michele]

Your dental hygienist story reminded me of something....
An aquantaince told me a story about this pitiful, sad woman that came into her office. She noticed the woman was "zombie" like, so she asked her what was wrong. The woman told her that just the week before she miscarried at 8 months. Instead of telling the woman that she was sorry for her loss, she proceeded to grill this woman, who just wanted a check-up, about the particulars of the miscarriage. The poor woman, unable to tell the ignorant cow to shut the F up, ended up running out of the office sobbing.
I couldn't believe how casually this person told me this story. I would have been beyond ashamed at my behavior and would never have told another person what I had done. Not her. Nope, she had a purpose for telling me this horror story. See, I had been depressed for well over half a year, because I found out that I can't have children, and she wanted me to know that I ,"don't have any reason for being depressed, because you could be going through something like that woman."

And the bitch wonders why I don't want to have lunch with her. What is wrong with people?

[Julia]

Good Lord! People should come with labels on their foreheads that warn of such severe personality disorders. Something like "Warning: Don't talk to me. I am devoid of human feelings and incapable of empathy. Words that come out of my mouth may be beyond comprehension in their cruelty and insensitivity."

I have a friend whose hairdresser went on about a client of hers who refused to attend a baby shower ("the bitch") just because her baby was stillborn a few months earlier. "What nerve!" she said.

The best part was the hairdresser felt the need to share the story with my friend because she had mentioned her own stillborn baby.

Have I mentioned that I'm believe in the death penalty as punishment for the stupid?

[AinNJ]

Julia, you know you're my hero, right? Love, Peace, and Many Healthy Babies to you and your dh...

more later, right now i'm too in awe of you to speak wisely.

hugs from jersey...
A

[Mollie]

Here's what I want to know: how is it that people who are so cruel and insensitive and horrible KEEP BEING THAT WAY?? I mean, doesn't anyone ever just get right back in their face and tell them, "YOU ARE MEAN!! MEAN IS BAD!!"? Don't they want to self-correct? Don't they know they are stinking up the atmosphere with their fetid souls?

I've gone through most of my life trying like hell to avoid pissing people off, avoid offending people, avoid causing other people pain... to my own detriment sometimes. So if you can be such an asshole and still have a job, and friends, and a family, why do I try so hard to be likeable? I mean, next time I'm on a painful topic with someone who starts up with some kind of hurtful, self-indulgent, "I'm just curious..." or, "Well, I wonder if you couldn't have just done xyz..." I'm going to be really quick to say, "I refuse to listen to any more of this abusive, thoughtless bullshit. Shut yer pie hole, c*nt."

And they can huff off and talk about how offended they were by me. I'd consider it a good sign, that I offended an asshole. No more trying to spare their feelings!! It's not like they've ever spared anyone else's, and yet us nice people bend over backwards to quietly take their crap. No more!!

[Suzanne]

Julia! Great start on your blog! I would report your hygenist to your dentist or change. I don't see how you didn't come up out of that chair and slap the ever living shit out of her. I'm glad the RE went so well too! A plan is good! xoxox MemphisSuz

[Julie]

How much do I love your blog already?

And Mollie's pie hole.

[Milenka]

I just found you via Julie. OMG, can I just say that I love your writing, and I'm very sorry for your losses? :-) *hugs*

[Julia]

Oh, thanks, Milenka! That's so sweet. This blog has been completely theraputic.

[gina]

Hi Julia,

So glad I found I your blog! I've been wondering about whats new with you.

So glad about the new Doc, he sounds excellent, and doesn't that just make all the difference in the world!

Don't worry about your sweet belly button, I had the lap done a few years ago, and I love my scar. Its so close into your belly button that its hardly visible, but its just a little x. For some reason it makes me feel good to see it...I won't explain it all, but its okay for it to be there, for me anyway.

Remember, miracles do happen. I'm due in 10 weeks after 5 losses...it can and will happen!

Hugs to you
faithful one too (gina)

[Kim]

Julie - your blog is lovely, and thanks much for sharing yourself. Now the mother of 2 and foster-mom of 1, I lost my first pregnancy, and well remember the hurt of it. You don't get over it, you just live through it.

And I clearly remember sitting on work, depressed and barely hanging on when the resident good girl jumped up to announce that she was pregnant with their 3rd because they have 2 boys and wanted to try for a girl, and I wanted to whack her in the head with a 2x4, because everything is easy for her...no misfortune every befalls her charmed life...she can play reproductive roulette until she gets exactly the one she wants. And here I am, a mid-30s newlywed with a miscarriage behind her and child-bearing prospects dimming with each passing year.

I didn't smack her. And when I had dinner a few months ago with a group of old friends, she was absolutely unchanged. Nothing bad ever happened in her life. And she's a complete bore. The rest of us have walked our road, by turns dark and light, and grown. She hasn't.

I wouldn't trade. It's a cliche to say "It's not the destination, it's the journey," but the truth is that the road forms us for what comes next. Julie, I hope that the road has formed you well for what comes next, and that whatever it is it's something joyful.

Blessings!
Kim

[Penny]

last miscarriage: January 2004 - 3.5 months.

"Well, those things happen, it's obviously for the better." - my 'friend'.
"oh yeah, I totally agree, I mean, who would want a beautiful bouncing bundle of joy. I'm much better off."

"..well, I just meant there might have been something really wrong with it."
"Well, apparently there really was something really wrong with IT."
"So.. that is why I was saying you are better off."
"Right. I am agreeing with you that I must be much better off to be rid of said conceived mutant child and that the housing of my hopes and dreams bleeding from me like a faucette runneth my cup over with happiness at my refreshed ability to empathize with others in the same position. There is always a positive, and I am so glad you are so good at bringing them to my attention. You should be a motivational speaker."

"I think you might be over-reacting a little. Maybe your hormones are still ..out-of-whack."

..mortified silence..

"Besides," she continues, "You already have one baby."

My anger receeds to the guilt of greed, but I say "But, I've been pregnant TEN times!"
"Well, aren't you used to it, by now?"

"You like your dog, right? How about I'll kill your dog and smear his entrails all over your kitchen floor and then I'll give you a new puppy and once you've named him, I'll kill THAT ONE and then.. I'll get you a NEW ONE and then, I'll kill THAT ONE.."

Stops, tilts head and looks at me exasperated, "Uh, This is getting a little ridiculous. You know, I think we should change the subject. Obviously you are not over it."

"IT HAPPENED YESTERDAY!!!" YOU IDIOT.

Lord forgive them, they know not what they do.

So, I sent out an email to everyone:
"We lost the baby. I don't need to tell you all I am sure that the last thing we want to hear is that these things happen for a reason. Please try to be supportive and sensative when you see us, next. And, yes, it's wonderful that we still have our one daughter. Thank-you." - Call it a pre-emptive strike. It worked.