Well Hello There Stranger, Long Time, No See

I'm a glass-half-full kinda gal.

Don't get me wrong, I can do bitter with the best of 'em - but when push comes to shove, or life comes to loss, my Hope Addict just needs a breather before she comes out swinging again. I bring this up today because so many of my friends have had a bad go of it lately. Mostly it isn't some fresh, heart-tearing trauma that's hurting them, but fatigue. Soul fatigue.

In honor of them, I wanted to throw out a life-line, for whatever it's worth.

The picture of my husband and me that adorns the corner of my blog is there for a reason. No, not to give the creepy navel-fetishists a chance to stalk me full-on. It's there because it captures one of the most genuine, happy moments of my life. Of our life. It's a "self-portrait" taken with a disposable camera on our first anniversary. We couldn't find anyone else to take a picture, so we took it upon ourselves. That night, after a fantastic dinner, we conceived our first son, Thomas.

That picture represents a time when I felt as full and whole and complete as I've ever felt in my life. We used that same camera to take pictures of ourselves and of Thomas during his brief baptism. A few weeks after he died, my mother took me to pick up the developed pictures. The difference between the two pictures, both on the same roll of film, speaks volumes about the depth of my suffering in that short amount of time. I told my mother that I doubted if I would ever see that woman again, the one who smiled out at me from the photo, beaming with life.

And as the world heaped more and more sorrow at our doorstep I became certain that she was lost for good. By the time we lost our last son, I was so crushed that I couldn't drive my car without blacking out and nearly killing myself. I bore no resemblance to my old self, and I mourned on behalf of my husband who had lost his wife in addition to his sons.

Fortunately for me, I got help. Dr. Luz forced me to tell a full accounting of all of my losses in one fell-swoop in my first visit to her and the sheer recognition of what had happened to me forced me to put on the breaks. I had to stop. Stop.

It was the best thing that ever happened to me. And all of my additional surgeries and necessary recover time turned out to be a blessing. I have had no choice but to sit still. And wouldn't you know it, I started to heal. I've kept the over-achieving perfectionist part of me well medicated and tied to a chair in the basement. And my Hope Addict, who took the opportunity to go into training as if for the Olympics, has begun knocking on my door with such ferocity that I now keep a tranquilizer dart gun locked and loaded by the front door.

But the best was yet to come: Last week I had to do something I haven't done in years. I had to have my picture taken. Part of my work as a freelancer requires that I market myself, which means I needed headshots. Yesterday I received the proof sheets. And wouldn't you know it... Hello there, stranger! It sure is good to see you again.

Comments

[JJ]

What a great picture! I hope you feel as great as you look!

[sarah]

julia,
thanks so much for throwing out the lifeline. everything you expressed in that post was utterly amazing. you're one of the strongest women i know and it's an honor to have met you even if it's just online.
p.s. you look amazing in the new picture!!

[KJB]

You're an inspiration Julia. Congratulations on finding your beautiful smile. :-)

[Julie]

Wow. You are a dream girl in every sense of the term. I hope you know I'm going to cut out your head and paste it on the body of my hope addict every time I imagine her.

[Julie]

Julia,
You are beautiful inside and out. That is a great picture. You have gone thru so much in such a short time. Stay as strong, god bless and keep smiling.

Julie

[Karen]

What a wonderful picture. And post, as well.

[OliviaDrab]

You're a good woman, Julia, and an absolute DOLL. I am glad to see that you are smiling again. I hope it sticks around a while.

Thanks for the lifeline. I plan to grab on tightly.

-Melissa

[Patricia]

Awwww, what a beautiful picture! Thanks for sharing and welcome back - P

[Toni]

Julia:

Can I just reach across the electrons to tell you how absolutely beautiful and perfect your son was, and how I sobbed while reading of his first birthday, just wishing there was something I could do or say? How I admire your courage and honesty in telling your story here on this blog, and how it inspires me in untold ways, despite us not knowing each other one bit? How utterly beautiful you are, and how I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes over your recent photo? Well, I guess I just did. I'm glad the Hope Addict keeps coming back; it's wonderful seeing the results.

[Christina]

I am so glad that you and your Hope Addict have been able to recuperate to the point where you are smiling again. I hope that smile sticks around for a looooong time.

P.S. Awesome picture! I am sure to see your face whenever my Hope Addict comes around.

[Kristine]

You know, you look like the wonderfully sweet person that you are!

I very much enjoyed that post.

[Kate]

You are really beautiful.

[Jo]

Let me echo what everybody else is saying: you are beautiful, and, I swear, you look like the face of Hope! Really!

Big-time love to you, you gorgeous woman.

[Julia]

Well, I'm speechless.

Okay, not quite - I do have these words: Thank you all. I never would have found that woman again without such kindness from virtual strangers. And if I've managed to help anyone, in any small way, that's the biggest compliment of all.

Don't worry - I won't cyber-hug you. I know how that chaps the hides of many out there!

[Michele]

You're a beauty, inside and out. That is a great picture, Julia. What a beautiful smile!

I feel lucky, because I get to meet you in person. As soon as my surgeon gives me the thumbs up to get behind the wheel, I'm going to bug you to get together.

[getupgrrl]

Oh Julia. Your picture left me speechless, it really touched me. You are such a beautiful soul. (I'm not a stalker, by the way).

I hope you'll understand when I say that I love the second picture even more than the first. Your first picture is absolutely lovely, no doubt about it - but your second radiates wisdom.

You're so damn cool.

[Julia]

To be deemed "cool" by getupgrrl is an honor I never dared dream of! (I can end a sentence in a preposition on my own blog, right?)

[AmyinMotown]

Julia, you are truly radiant in that photo--the same radiance and loveliness that came through in your post. I am so happy to hear you're feeling like your lively and happy self again.

[Kari]

First, Beautiful, your simply beautiful.

Second, You've done it again, Julia. You've given me hope again, after countless other times.

You see, in recent weeks I've felt like I'd lost myself somewhere in the past 14 months, along with my babies. I'm known by my smile and laugh by those who know me best - and it wasnt until one of those hard, sad days that Bradley said to me..."You've lost your smile, and I really miss it." And since that moment I've been looking for my old self that was left somewhere along the traumatic road I've been down.

So, I thank you for that lifeline. After seeing that beautiful smile in your picture I have hope that I regain full control of my old self again, and just knowing that makes me smile.

Hugs!

(BTW, that is the best self portrait I think I've ever seen! )

[Tracy]

You're lovely.

[Simone]

Looking damn good. A strong lady behind a warm smile. And those eyebrows say "I'm cheeky..and fun!!"
Thanks for sharing such a lovely photo.

[Stephanie]

God .. you sure know how to make a girl cry.. I am so happy you found your old self .. and by the way I think she is back and better than ever!!! You are a truly beautiful human being both inside and out. I feel honored to "know" you.

[Kim]

Wow -- what a great post, and such a great picture.

Your hair is glorious! As do appear to be you (HUH??) This is my first time reading your blog, but you seem to be quite a gal. That's what I was trying to say.

Chin up!