To Sleep, Perchance to Scream

This title feels to easy.. like I may have cribbed it from someone.  So here are my alternate titles, just in case:

You Say That Like It's a Bad Thing
and
No, Seriously. Help.

Ahem.  With that out of the way, shall we begin?

Recently, a few moms who've somehow mistakenly endowed me with respect and authority have written to ask about my theories on sleeping and napping (for infants, not moms).  While I'm no expert, I have managed to navigate my share of sleep hurdles and would love to share my thoughts with you. 

Most of these requests involve a similar statement: "I'm reluctant to let my baby cry it out, but on the other hand, I value my sanity." I'm paraphrasing a bit, but not much.  And to all of you out there thinking the same thing, I urge you to read on, because what worked for me MAY just work for you.  And even the off chance that it might is worth it to a sleep deprived woman.  (If you are one of those moms and have no time for the narrative portion of this post, please feel free to scroll down to the bullet points at the bottom.)

Let me begin by saying that I had big reservations about letting my kid cry.  Not only is it tough to listen to as a new mom (or as a human, for that matter) but it's also one of those topics that divides and seems to spark fierce allegiance and animosity on either "side".  To that big divide I say a hearty "PFFFFTTTHHH!"

Around four months Hannah went from a glorious sleep-through-the-night-since-8-weeks baby to a disturbed, rather-not sleeper.  It was gradual, but within a few weeks we'd worked ourselves into a fine mess.  She wasn't going to bed for anything - not even nursing worked - and she screamed non-stop.  Naps disappeared and all three humans living in our household began to loose their shit.

Finally, after consulting my Internet buddies, I read a book or two and began to diagnose our problems.  I learned about infant sleep patterns, sleep routines, and figured out a few of our missteps.  And I thought I could get everything under control without letting Hannah cry.  But after a while, a different kind of mothering instinct kicked in.  The kind that says, "Honey, you do what your kid needs, not what your kid wants."  (In fact, I think some wise person actually said that to me.)  And I began to see that Hannah was making herself ill.  She was chronically sleep deprived, and what's worse, so was I.  I wasn't being the best mother I could be and she wasn't even close to being the best baby she could be.

So I caved.  At least that's how I thought of it at the time.  But now, in retrospect, I think I was actually stepping up to the plate.  The very first night I let her cry, Hannah got 12 hours of sleep.  And after about five days (some better, some worse) she barely fussed at all when bedtime rolled around.  What's more, she returned to napping.  And everyone in our house began to feel like living beings again.  We smiled more, laughed more, and yelled less.  I did more fun things with Hannah because I could.  Because I wasn't nauseous from sleeplessness.

I remember at some point, months later, reading some advice from someone I trust and admire (believe me, I have two questions for advice that prove it) where she said that she believed letting a baby cry it out taught them nothing but to "shut down".

I felt a little mad and defensive at first.  But then I though, hey, actually she's right.  But she's saying it like it's a bad thing.  I absolutely, wholeheartedly, without reservation, believe that sleeping is an art.  It is a life skill.  And as such, it has to be taught.  Now, some babies need very little help in this arena.  And God bless you if you've had the good fortune to get one of them.  But others, like Hannah and MANY MANY more, need help.

And they don't need help because they are somehow deficient.  On the contrary.  Hannah needed help learning to shut off because she is one of the most social babies I have ever seen.  She simply hates being out of the company of people.  When people are around, she will do whatever it takes to stay awake.  Even if that means becoming ill.  She will lay her head down on concrete in 98 degree weather, close her eyes momentarily, and then pop up again, staggering like a drunken sailor saying "Whass goin' on?  Wher'rrre we goin' next?!"

As her mother, it is up to me to recognize this trait.  I've learned that Hannah needs quiet and dark before sleep.  That she needs a routine.  That, for a long, long time she needed a mind-blowingly early bedtime.  And that, above all, she needs to be alone to go to sleep.

Not only that, but as time went by, I learned to remember that my daughter is perfectly capable of putting herself to sleep, even when I'm tempted to doubt her.  Even when she forgets it herself.

Nothing displayed this with more clarity that when she had the croup followed by rota virus for over two weeks of sleepless nights.  By the end of it, she had completely forgotten that she ever knew how to sleep without me by her side.  And the result was a seriously scared baby who was waking so constantly and for such long periods of time that we saw only four or five hours of sleep per night.  I kept thinking that she was still sick, but there were no other signs and nothing I could do brought her comfort.  So it was back to the drawing board.  Back to sleep training 101.

It took two nights, with only one waking episode each night.  And then she was right as rain.

So, I have to say, if you're mom enough to recognize what your child needs, don't hesitate to let him cry.  There will come a day when that same child will run out into the street, or date the wrong person, or refuse to eat their veggies, and I guarantee there will be tears when you do what you have to as a mother.  But not all tears are bad, especially not those shed by babies and mothers who're learning together how to navigate this world together.

Here're my concrete suggestions:

1.  Educate yourself on the sleep patterns of infants (it would REALLY be great if you could do this before you ever have your baby, because your chances of retaining the information is better).  I was amazed by the sheer quantity of sleep they require.  And you cannot assume that they will know how and when to sleep on their own.

2.  I recommend the No Cry Sleep Solution as a menu of options that may help, even if you do choose to let them cry in the end.  But remember that no one knows your kid like you.

3.  EARLY, EARLY, EARLY.  No, really.  Like 5:30 early, if you have to.  And we went cold turkey, from 11:00 at night one day to 7:30 in the evening the next.  If your kid is already sleep deprived, no point in prolonging it.

4.  If you can't get long naps, go for frequent ones.  Hannah ended up being a 3, one-hour naps per day kid.  It's just her way.

5.  Watch out for the 4/5-month and 8/9-month sleep regressions.  That's a fancy phrase for "sucky in all aspects, but only temporary". 

6.  Remember that sleep training has to be done repeatedly.  Babies are shifting fluids.  As soon as you get the hang of it, they'll switch it up and you'll need a night or two of strict routines and even some more fussing to get them back on track.

7.  If you're nursing and having trouble not relying on the boob and it's "night-night juice" even when you know your baby is full to the gills, help yourself to some alcohol after putting the baby down to sleep.  I'm not being funny.  Knowing you can't just jump up and put the proverbial cork in their mouth helps out.   And it can't hurt your attitude, either.  (Of course, if you shouldn't be drinking alcohol for any other reason, please disregard.)

8.  Remove yourself.  If you're going to let your baby fuss or cry, for God's sake, don't pile on the guilt by listening.  Get thee to a sound-proof room.  Make your husband/partner watch the monitor.

9.  Time it.  If you need (for your own sake) to check on your baby periodically, do so only at set intervals (assuming you have no cause to think they're in danger).  But remember that you may be prolonging their crying just by being there. 

10.  It's about them, not you.  Make sure that your fears about allowing your baby to cry are really about their health, not your own fears or doubts about being a capable mother.  Eventually, I began asking myself "What, exactly, will I do when I get in there that will somehow help?"  If I didn't have an answer, I didn't go in.

11.  When all else fails, ask someone you know and respect for help.  Also, Moxie has a great primer on sleep.  And, I'm sure she won't make you feel like a loser if you're going to let  your baby cry.

Comments

[meg]

As someone who has let both boys cry on occasion, and has found herself in the minority often enough for it, thank you for describing this so well, much better than I have ever been able to.

[Julie]

Oh, man, this is a SUPER great post! Too bad you had to live through too many nights of crappy sleep to be able to write it, eh?

[heather]

I agree with Julie, this is a great post. Our sleep situation has always had a remarkable similarity with yours, and we ended up doing the exact same thing around 5 1/2 months. I was literally going crazy for the two months in which my son forgot how to sleep. at. all.

Quick question: Is Hannah on one or two naps a day now and how long do they typically run? I think you had more success with nap training than we have around these parts and I am always looking for suggestions. My son is a week or so younger than Banana.

[Sarah]

Great advice. I've only been a part of this stuff as a nanny, but it is absolutly true that sleep is an art, and knowing how to do it is one of the first peices of self-esteem you can give to your child. Good for you for not hiding your CIO sucess.
Sarah

[Menita]

This is a great post. I am thisclose to trying CIO again, except every time Polly cries for more than 10 minutes she throws up. I've tried it six times now, and all six times she hits the 10 minute mark and hurls. So I go to her, clean her up, hold her, give her a bottle, and THEN she goes to sleep (but I know the bottle is more comfort than food for her at that point). I've been steeling myself to try again before Bingo gets here but I have trouble dealing with the hurling...Any thoughts?

[Moxie]

OK, hilarious, because I just wrote a post about CIO and why I hate it, but why what some people think is CIO isn't really CIO.

I don't think what you did was pure CIO. If it only took two nights, and didn't last for hours, it wasn't CIO. There are people who fight their kids' natures and do it for weeks and weeks, for hours a night, until their kids throw up. That just violates all common sense.

[Julia]

See?! Isn't it great to open a dialogue about these things? Because I've never in my life known a mother who could let a baby scream for hours each night for weeks at a time. Not to say they don't exist, just that they probably aren't the type to ask for help when it comes to getting an infant to sleep.

And to anyone who has questions along the lines of Heather or Menita, I sent them e-mails with suggestions, which I'd happily send again. 'Cause I'm a giver.

[Moxie]

I hear them talking about it at the playground and on NYC-specific message boards. It breaks my heart.

I wonder if there's sleep training in the air that made me get questions and you get questions at the same time.

[sarah]

"There will come a day when that same child will run out into the street, or date the wrong person, or refuse to eat their veggies, and I guarantee there will be tears when you do what you have to as a mother." Oh- sooooo true, so true..... Great post! And can I add some advice? "This too shall pass." Eventually they will sleep....eventually.

[Kelly]

The only thing that bothers me is the idea that CIO is the be all and end all solution to sleeping problems.

It is often assumed (and i get this ever so slightly from your post as well) that those of us who have children who are difficult sleepers as infants just are wrong for not CIO.

I know CIO wouldn't work for my kid, just the way you knew it would. You know your kid needs copious amounts of sleep. I have a 6 year old who sleeps 9 hours and no more, always, wherever we are, no matter what he has done, unless he is sick. I hate the idea that those who refuse to CIO for whatever reasons, just aren't doing what "their baby needs"

[Julia]

Kelly, I think letting a baby cry when it isn't helpful or well-suited to your child is stupid. It seems quite counterproductive.

I have many, many friends who don't let their babies cry because it isn't right for them. One of them is my very best friend.

I was simply wanting to clarify that letting your baby cry when it's right for them doesn't make you a cruel, uneducated mother. And I worry about women who are in desparate situations but afraid to try letting their kids fuss because they've read somewhere that it's horrible and psychologically scarring.

I tried to use as many "may" "might" and "in your situation"s as I could. I hope you don't feel picked on.

[carosgram]

As an elementary principal the biggest issue I have is with over tired children. Kids need 9 to 11 hours of sleep a night. When they get enough sleep they are pleasant, get along well with their peers, pay attention to their lessons, cope with stress well, eat less, obey the rules better, and in general behave in ways that make having children a pleasure. When they are over tired they tend to get hurt more, get labeled ADD, have trouble with other children, are less flexible and able to adapt to change, eat more than they need, and make people wonder why they ever had children. Thanks for writing an excellent piece on the importance of sleep and how to help your child get enough. By the by, I have found that once they get enough sleep at night they also start taking good naps. Too many children stop taking naps way too soon. Children under 2 shoud be taking at least 2 naps a day and under 5 at least one. Good luck!

[Michelle]

Julia, what a great post, it captured my feelings exactly. (Except that I never had a real issue with CIO.) When people debate cry it out verses co-sleeping or whatever, they seem to forget the personalities of the individual babies. It would not have been possible for me to have co-slept or rocked my daughter to sleep. Like Hannah, she has always been incredibly social. From about 3 months on, if I was holding her, that was playtime. (I feel a little sad that I missed having a cuddly baby.) She had to be in a dark quiet room to sleep. She slept through the night at 8 weeks, but went through that 4 month regression (learning to roll over) and later after being sick or having her routine disrupted. We did CIO at those times - it was always 2 nights with no more than an hour of crying. At 18 months, it was an hour of yelling "Mama" over and over. And no one will ever convince me that my sweet, loving, kind daughter (now 5) was in any way damaged by learning to put herself to sleep. By the way, I've never heard of anyone I know letting a baby cry for weeks on end. I would agree, CIO is not working in that case. Try something else. Do what works for you and your baby.

[mayberry]

Thanks for this. I am really struggling with my 14-month-old nonsleeper. To make matters worse, my husband is strongly in favor of CIO, while I'm strongly not... but thoughtful words like yours and Moxie's are helpful as we try to work through this.

[MotherLawyer]

Thanks for this post!

[Whichever]

What a great post, really. I love you and Moxie :-)

[Kelly]

Nah, don't feel picked on. Just wanted to reiterate that in some ways that is the prevailing attitude. I suspect part of it is where I live too.

One of the nicer things about have your child age is that the farther you get away from a situation the less "attacked" you feel sometimes. I didn't post because I felt picked on, so much as the general idea of well CIO works! (the unstated being at all times, for all kids! and if your kid doesn't sleep its because you don't want them to be independant and well adjusted!)

Just like you know you did right for Hannah, I am 100% positive that the approach we took with our diffcult sleeper was right for him, even if it was hell for us for several years.

[tertia]

excellent excellent post. after two weeks of being sick and total regression i am/was at my wits end. but you've inspired me. if i wasn't so tired and sleep deprived i'd write more. but so far and no further, i need to help him learn to sleep again.

oh man, i've had a terrible few nights. i am exhausted.

i am going to write more tomorrow

thank god i read this tonight.

smooches

[Kelly]

By the way, I just finished writing from the different perspective (and of course with a different child) on how to wait out your child's sleep issues.

[Duchess]

Brilliant!!! Loved it. Can't wait to use it one day. When I was a nanny from birth we used CIO and swaddling. All four of the babies I have used this on are amazing sleepers. I fully agree that sleeping is something that needs to be taught.

[kate]

Great post. It seems that people may have different ideas of what the "Cry" in CIO really means. There's a big difference between flipping out, terrified crying and fussy, letting-off-steam, just-not-happy crying. One thing I always would remind myself of if we were listening to the fussy crying was...
"Going in there and prolonging things is not doing her any favors."
Bottom line, she needs to learn how to get herself to sleep, but still feel safe and cared for. Kind of a balancing act, and every child is unique.

[Melanie]

So me? Don't have any kids yet, but am in the process of trying. I just wanted to chime in to add that at 30 years of age I am still a horrible sleeper. I never learned to get to sleep easily. I know I NEED 8-9 hours of sleep each night. I get 5-6, sometimes less. I wake up constantly through out the night.
As soon as the sun goes down I find myself doing other things besides sleeping. There's always something else to read, something else to watch, something else to think about - my mind races. I HATE it. I can lay in the dark for hours, tired as I can be but I can't fall asleep.
My mother claims I was always a horrible sleeper and that I inherited it from her. Is it possible? Who knows?
To sum up, help your children sleep, however it may be. They're going to need it.

[Rebekah]

I just had to say that this is an AWESOME entry. I haven't had to deal with sleep issues for a long while (but am heading back into that territory soon ... WAAAAH!), but what strikes me most is how WELL you know your daughter's needs. What an incredible testament to the fabulous mother you are to her. Seriously, I think this is some of the best stuff I've read that shows how in tune someone can be with their child. Here's a serious, serious BRAVO to you, my friend. =)

[JK]

Great post. I wrote one that was similar (but not as eloquent) back in March.

http://3littlegirls-ohmy.blogspot.com/2006/03/once-week.html

I call it Learning to Sleep on Your Own, Not CIO. Crying may be involved, but it isn't what Moxie describes as hours and hours on end.

On another note, I'm completely with you in the belief that I need MY sleep to be a good mother. Completely. Amen.

[Rachel H.]

Well said!