Psuedo-Thoughts

Cecily is my new BFF.  If she lived closer, or if I had money for a plane ticket, I would give her a big, sloppy kiss and write "LYLAS!" with my 8-color pen in her infertility year book.  As Cec mentioned, she and I are forever linked by our similar stories.  What she doesn't know is that while I may be a "skinny blond" on the outside, inside I am really a big-bosomed bad-ass with a set of 50 lbs. brass balls who's worthy of hero worship.  I think.

Thank you so much to all of you (on her post and mine) for your helpful and thoughtful advice.  While we all know this is a decision I have to make with my family and no one else, it is always good to get as many "takes" on each side as possible.

As an interesting and unintended side-effect of my posing this question publicly, I cannot tell you the decision I've made.  If I did, it would automatically tell you (or any prying lunatics) whether or not you could reliably use my published name to track me down (you have to picture maniacal rubbing of the hands and cackling here to get the full effect).

What I can tell you is that each "side" brought up some very valid and interesting points, which had me swaying to and fro like a willow tree with each comment.  I can also say that you all are unequivocally awesome.  Especially Charlie, who I would totally hit on, were it not for my undying love for Cecily... oh, yeah, and Todd and Hannah and Tori.  But you know, in another universe.  His advice (I wish I knew how to link to a specific comment) to simply consider the decision each way (without going further down the line) was something I'd never heard of before.  And his eloquence is something I'm completely unused to (read: mute husband who still relies upon grunts and hand signals to convey meaning).

Your comments also led to some of my own that I may or may not have voiced previously:

- I agree that the violence (in general) is aimed at the providers and clinics.  But (you infertiles will appreciate this), it only takes one.  One crazy who thinks my telling our story is "causing" women to get abortions.

- I do think that if I choose to use a pseudonym, anti-choice people will try to say it is because I am ashamed.  Of course, that makes as much sense as saying a SWAT team guy is a pussy for wearing a Kevlar vest.  But whatever.

- I love my state.  Texas is a phenomenal place - a country unto itself.  There are so many beautiful things about where I live.  But, especially during the last decade, the state has become increasingly stilted in it's political and religious views.  And living here does make things different that if I lived in a more "blue" state.  Quite different.  If I ever come knocking on your door seeking shelter, you'll know why.

- I am intrigued by people who say they are "primarily pro-life"*. Who among us isn't?  I don't know anyone who runs around saying "Yay! Abortion! I hate life!  Down with life!"  All of us are in favor of life.  But being pro-choice means that you do understand that there are situations that call for the option of abortion.  Maybe not for you (and God willing, you'll never have to find out how deep your convictions are).  But if you read my story and agree that my family, and others like ours, must be afforded the choice of ending a painful life of suffering, they you ARE PRO-CHOICE.  There is no magic wand you can wave to begin drawing a line in the sand about when and how and where they're allowed.  Because as soon as you do, I can tell you of a woman (or girl) whose situation defies your logic.

- I am pro-choice for all women.  Period.  While my story is elicits much sympathy, I want everyone to understand that my experience has only solidified my belief that women deserve the right to govern their own bodies and to do what is best for their children.  While I did not know that abortion was ever something I would be faced with, I did have friends who had abortions for the more typical reasons.  And none of them did it without soul-rending thought and tears that have continued even decades later.  It is never an easy decision.  Every time I tell my story, another friend or acquaintance confides in hushed tones that she, too, had an abortion.  If I could, I would wipe away every ounce of shame they feel, because I know, as they do, that it was a heartbreaking decision no matter how you look at it, no matter what the circumstance.

- For many women, abortion isn't the right choice.  And they are my sisters just as surely as those who did have an abortion.  We are not on separate sides of a fence.  We were all offered the choice and did what we could based on the facts in front of us.  I've even met women through this blog who are raising children with the same disease Thomas had.  And we have a tie that no one can sever because we all recognize that our cases differ.  We respect that the choice each of us made was ABSOLUTELY the right choice.  And, because we're human, we look at the other and wonder "what if", only to remind ourselves that theirs is not our child, and our story would have played out differently.

Alrighty, then.  I feel better!  How 'bout you?

*I do not want to imply that I'm angry with anyone for saying this, because your supportive comments mean as much to me as anyone.  I just want to make a point about semantics.

Comments

[bec 36]

One thing that helps the decision-making process (as Charlie described) is to actually say it out loud. Once I was faced with a tough choice, and to gauge my own reaction I said, to the air, "I have decided not to run for president of the council [even though everyone is expecting me to]." I physically felt a weight lift from my shoulders as soon as I said it, and that's how I knew it was right. Good luck!

[wavybrains]

I love Bec36's advice. Good luck no matter what you decide.

[Amy]

Julia,

I read your blog -- and Cecily's -- but rarely comment here. But this post compelled me to change that.

Thank you for discussing this issue, and doing so in such an eloquent manner. I'm fiercely pro-choice, and it irks me to no end when I see statements like "I'm pro-life, but [insert whatever heartbreaking example you'd like here] I can understand the choice." Your discussion above beautifully illustrates the flaws in such a position. Pro-choice does not mean pro-abortion (any more than pro-life can really be equated with "saving babies"), but rather the belief that each woman is presumed to be competent to make the decision about when and how to bear a child.

Best of luck to you, no matter what you decide. I'm in awe that you've been selected to be in one of Susan Estrich's books, whether anonomously or not. I sincerely wish that we did not live in a time and place where you even have to consider whether attaching your name to your story could expose your family to potential harm.

[Natalee]

Thank you for the link to Cecily's blog. I followed her link to the Ms. petition and not only signed it, but donated money as well.

I've never had an abortion, but know many, including my own mother, who have. And I will fight until my last breath for the rights of all women to have a say in their own reproductive health and choices.

Thank you so much, Julia, for sharing your story.

[Hoping]

big fan of yours. agree that whatever you do you will do for good reason. can't wait to see what you accomplish in the coming years, the world is yours sister, take it! (with your big brass balls hangin' free!)

[Hoping]

big fan of yours. agree that whatever you do you will do for good reason. can't wait to see what you accomplish in the coming years, the world is yours sister, take it! (with your big brass balls hangin' free!)

[Hoping]

big fan of yours. agree that whatever you do you will do for good reason. can't wait to see what you accomplish in the coming years, the world is yours sister, take it! (with your big brass balls hangin' free!)

[Kay]

Julia - I'm one of those "mainly pro-life people" you spoke about.

I do think there are wrong and selfish reasons for having an abortion. I think mainly that "choice" comes before you have sex. A baby is not just an inconvenience that can be done away with.

Now, before anyone flames me (too much) - I DO UNDERSTAND that there are circumstances beyond the woman's control. You, Cecily, someone who is raped, my friend who had to terminate so she could treat her cancer, and MANY OTHERS..... However - I do not and probably would not ever consider myself pro-choice because I absolutely do not think that an inconvenient pregnancy should be terminated. Again - that is such a slippery slope. WHO gets to decide? Me? No way. Some asshole man in congress? Fuck no.

So, while I understand that abortion needs to be kept legal, I am not about referring to it as casually as a choice (even though for some the choice is about as far from casual as you can get). I know this doesn't make sense to anyone but me.

I will continue to admire you - even with my warped mind. ;)

[Melissa]

I too would fall under the "mainly pro-life" category. However I think the terms pro-life & pro-choice are both ridiculous.

I strongly believe that for majority of women the choice of abortion is not one that was easy and it is one that probably haunts many of them. I do not think those who have abortions, even for reasons I disagree with are evil, immoral or even necessarily showing poor judgment. Most do what they feel is right for both them & the unborn child.

That being said, I think it is a gross overgeneralization (is that even a word?) to say that is never an easy choice for a woman. While the majority to not take the decision lightly, there are still thousands of women who don't think twice about it. For me, because of my religous beliefs, that is very upsetting.

So here I sit, on the fence, not knowing really where I stand. I do believe strongly in seperation of Church & State. So if you take my religous beliefs out of the picture, it's hard to say that the government should have any say in abortions. Yet am I abandoning my faith by believing this?

That's why I hate the labels "pro-life" and "pro-choice". While I understand your point that if we believe that abortion should be allowed for any reason whatsoever that we are then saying there should some "choice" allowed, I don't like all the implications that (properly or improperly) go with it. Yet I also don't like the term "pro-life" because it improperly implies that those who are not are "pro-death". I think most everyone, whether they believe themselves to be "pro-life" or "pro-choice," would agree that the issue of abortion is not black & white. Therefore, how can we use such labels that force us to be "black" or "white?"

Okay...that's enough rambling on my part. I may not agree with everything you believe Julia, but I nonetheless think you are an amazing woman who I have a great amount of respect for!

[Sarah]

It doesn't matter whether we know your full name or not. Just by being brave and putting yourself and your story out there you have my repsect.

[Anon for this-sorry]

I think that there needs to be some "shades of grey" terminology for this issue. I always thought I was pro-life. Then I developed a medical condition that requires me to take several meds that are very harmful to embryos. If I were to become pregnant the baby would have damage before I even knew. If the baby lived through the first trimester it would still have a high risk of serious birth defects and cognitive impairments. On top of that I am unable to care for a child and pregnancy would be very bad for my health.

Until it was me I thought adoption was a solution. Until my health was changed by this illness I thought I would be the perfect parent to adopt a special needs child (it's even what I do for a living). Now I realize that I could not emotionally handle a difficult pregnancy, resulting in a child with disabilities, and be unselfish enough not to want to love that child myself instead of casting it into an uncertain situation.

And so I found myself realizing that I would have an abortion if I got pregnant, despite thinking that I believed all abortion was bad, sinful (this is a faith issue for me). Yet I also knew that I can't say I'm against abortion for most reasons but in my case it's ok; every person who has one probably feels that way.

So I've not yet really resolved this in my mind. Because I think that I am pro-life, but at the same time I am pro-choice enough to know I'm not. I think I'm more pro-resolving-specific-situations, and hopeful that in the many abortions performed without medical indications that all options are considered first.

In terms of my faith, I see it as a sin, but a sin no worse than others, and I know that if I ever had to go to that clinic I would always feel I had done something tremendously wrong, yet I would have peace with it at the same time. Which is better than I would feel giving birth to a child who was grievously harmed by medication I sent into its body knowingly throughout the pregnancy.

Now I'm scared to post this because this is such a volatile topic; I feel like I'm on a tightrope....

[RainbowW]

re living in texas:

i live in the comfort of a vengeful god, who is pissed that people don't take her notion of "love thy neighbor as thyself" somewhat more seriously.

[KelliAmanda]

Just want to add my voice to the many many supporters who think that, whatever decision you make regarding using your name, you are one brave and amazing woman. I honestly don't know what I would do.

[Mary]

Thank you Julia. You speak for so many of us...

[Cecily]

Aw. I love you too! Of course, I'm dying to know what you decided. But I'll just wait for the book and wonder... LOL.

By the way, this was totally brilliantly written. You need your own book, ASAP. And Charlie loves you too. Heh.

[Zelie Martin]

I think you need to consider what your child and grandchildren will think years from now. I sympathize with your situation, but basically you decided to end the life of your son because he was abnormal. Had the "choice" not been available you would have "dealt with it" but since it was, you ended his life and consider it the best for your family. What does this tell your other children about handicapped people? And what about suffering? At the end of your life if you are "suffering" should she take the cue from you and end your life?

As a child I would think I was very lucky there was nothing wrong with me because I most likely would have met the same fate.

[Amanda]

I have just finished reading your blog. I am so impressed by how you have handled everything you have gone through! I am so pleased that you have Hannah, and that you are able to commemerate your sons so appropriately. That shows an amazing depth of love.

[Monique]

To Zelie Martin,

Have you considered that perhaps what her other children and grandchildren will learn is that their mother knows what she's doing and is sympathetic enough to understand and prevent a lifetime of suffering? Did it ever occur to you that maybe what they'll learn is that their mother is strong through her grief while simultaneously dealing with insensitive criticism (like yours), and that they'll draw strength from her strength?

Here's a thought: why don't *you* try developing some compassion? I wonder what *your* kids are learning from you when you say things like what you wrote.

[Janet]

I discovered your blog this morning and have been reading through your best reads. Firstly, let me say how sorry I am to hear of Thomas's birth/death. I find myself crying as I write, we know in our house how hard such decisions are. Although I have always been fiercely pro-choice and come from a feminist, lefty sort of background, the decision to end a pregnancy in 2002 after the amnio results came back was hard in ways I could never have imagined. At the time of our sons birth/death, I looked around for books, art or any sort of culture that could help me somehow make sense of what was happening. The silence was deafening. We now have a 16 month old daughter who brings us such joy that sometimes I feel like bursting. I started blogging earlier this year as a way to get back into a regular writing habit and have been thinking about writing our story and have been paralysed by a mixture of fear and grief. I greatly admire the courage and honesty you have shown in writing your story. Thank you.

[Zelie Martin]

" I wonder what *your* kids are learning from you when you say things like what you wrote."

My kids are learning that people who are physically different, the handicapped, the mentally retarded, the mentally ill, amputees, the elderly, cancer patients etc are just as human and deserving of life as we all are. They are learning that whether a life lasts a minute or a 100 years it is all a precious gift and we don't hasten death.

You are confusing compassion with acceptance. There is a misconception that to be compassionate is to shut up and accept what you feel is wrong. That is not compassion. Sometimes it is more compassionate to speak the truth in love than to simply be silent.

[Julia]

Dearest Zelie,

I am grateful that you are able to disagree with me without being overtly rude or disrespectful. I respect your view and I'm happy you are able to choose to follow it.

I am, however, thrown by your willingness to judge my relationship with God. My son's life was absolutely a precious gift. And I was very angry at God for not taking this decision out of my hands. But when I prayed to him for answers, he was very clear in his response to me: He let me know that he gave me the responsibility of Thomas's life for a reason; because he knew I could handle it and do what was right for Thomas, no matter how much it hurt to do so. To have forced him to live for a few more weeks or months in pain would have been - in our specific situation - cruel.

I want to be clear that Thomas's condition cannot be compared with that of others. I have readers who have severely handicapped children. And they made the right choice for their children, too. In Thomas's case, it would not have been a matter of being disabled. It was a matter of suffering great physical pain. Knowing that the most probable outcome was waiting for him to die in utero and not knowing from day to day whether my child was still living or already dead - that would not serve anyone. And it certainly would not give glory to God.

In my view (a view I arrived at after much prayer and reflection), simply waiting for God to save me from my responsibility as a parent is akin to jumping off a cliff and saying "God will save me if he intends for me to live." God gave us all responsibility, and the ability to thoughtfully choose. God gave us gifted doctors, and God sends us the information we need, no matter how disheartening that news may be.

For you to assume that Thomas was meant to suffer is to assume that you - not God - are all knowing. It is judgment at it's most harsh.

I don't mind you posting about your different view point - which is why I haven't deleted your comments. But I do wish you would think a bit more about the implications. You are no holier than I.

[Zelie Martin]

Hi Julia,

Thank you for allowing me to be the lone voice of dissent on this issue on your blog. I appreciate having the opportunity to just give voice to another perspective.

Julia, in no way do I pretend to know your relationship with God. I believe that God has a special place in His merciful heart for mothers who have gone through such sad ordeals.

I too lost a child at 23 weeks of pregnancy. My baby died inside of my body and I had to wait a number of days before I went into labor and delivered him. It was a unique situation to be in, carrying my dead child inside me. Later, I learned that the word "casket" means "bearer of precious goods, and that is what I became - the bearer of my precious child until my body was naturally willing to give him up. But there was good that came out of it. Women who had miscarried or had had still births called me, or came to visit and told me of their experiences. We laughed and cried and remembered their babies and thought about all of them in heaven praying for us. The loving community that formed around me during that time of joy and sadness indeed did give much glory to God.

I believe in this time we live in, where the parameters of what construes success and happiness are so narrowly defined by our culture, it is difficult for medical professionals to deal with anything less than a perfect outcome. But the reality is, they don't know the future. And while it may be their job to give us worse case scenarios, the role of mothers is to be there to love and comfort and support in all circumstances, despite all the odds. With proper pain management support, there is no reason for any terminal infant to experience pain while spending what time there is being part of their earthly family.

I have not only thought over these implications as they pertain to my own experiences, but I also watched a close girlfriend give birth to a trisomy 18 baby that medical professionals encouraged her to abort. She heroically chose to undergo a C-section to prolong this child's life. Her precious baby girl lived with her for three months before she passed. They had time to bond with her, to know her, to have a family portrait taken, and to be a family even for the shortest of time before she passed away at age three months.

I have deeply thought about the implications, I have lived them, and I have seen them lived.

I know that I will probably get quite a few attacks from this. I should let you know that I too am using a pseudonym. I have been threatened, mocked and criticized many times before and I just am not up for it at the moment.

Once again, thank you for the opportunity to express my views although they differ very much from yours Julia.

Zelie

[Julia]

Zelie,

I did not know that meaning of "casket" and having suffered other miscarriages, I think that word will help me process those losses and any future ones in a different way. Thank you for that.

I am sorry for your loss, and for those of your friends. Speaking out about loss does have a way of forming immediate community that we were not aware of before. I hope that you will find that my readers are not vicious - except in their defense of me - and will not attack you for your different views, so long as you don't attack others. It is clear to me that you aren't trying to hurt me, and that is the heart of the matter.

The situation I described to you, and that my doctors explained to me, was best case scenario, not worst. I could see for myself what Thomas was going through. And there is no pain management for infants in utero. Even if there were, I cannot say what I would have chosen. Just as I cannot say what I would choose in a future situation because I cannot know the specifics until I am living them.

I hope that each of us can continue to support women and friends in their times of need, no matter what they choose.

Julia