When "Enough" Doesn't Say It

Last night, while Todd and I were watching a pay-per-view movie and the in-laws were sleeping, Hannah woke up.  She sounded pretty distraught, so I went to make sure her leg wasn't caught between the crib bars, as it quite frequently is.  She wasn't trapped.  In fact, she was barely awake.  She heard me come in and stood up with her eyes half-closed.  Apparently, she'd had a nightmare.  I picked her up and she immediately stopped crying and sunk her head into my shoulder, snuggling into her blankie.

As I stood there swaying with her, the ceiling fan blowing on us, I had one of those moments of overwhelming gratitude.  The whole weight of her being melted into my arms, and I could feel her limbs going more and more slack as she breathed wetly onto my cheek.  I felt the power of her implicit trust and love for me, and I couldn't do anything but cry.  "Thank you God for this wonderful, perfect gift," I kept repeating in my mind. 

And it dawned on me that I feel whole and complete.  That no matter what happens in our pursuit of another child, having Hannah in my life is enough.  Except "enough" doesn't say what I want it to.  "Enough" doesn't tell her how hollow I was before, and how having or not having a sibling will never diminish the fullness she has brought to our life.  "Enough" doesn't explain that I would be honored to have a family of the three of us, and never need any more.  "Enough" doesn't say that I'll be okay - really and truly - if they tell me I cannot physically carry another child, because I already have the blessing on her, in all her perfect imperfection.

This is a new thought for me.  I am not saying that I we would not look into other options for having more children, be it surrogacy or adoption, or whatever else there may be.  But I am sure that if we got to that point and it didn't feel right, Hannah would be enough.

Comments

[Laurie]

Beautiful. I have those same thoughts while holding/looking at my 4yr old ds, born after countless IF treatments and miscarriages.
The love for our children is to me, the most pure and true there is.
I'm so happy for you.

[Milenka]

Like Laurie, my first thought was simply "Beautiful" *hugs*

[cursingmama]

I get what you're saying. She's that piece of the puzzle that goes smack dab in the middle - without it the puzzle doesn't make any sense.

[spacemom]

dyanu--- Hebrew. It would have been enough for us

Beuatiful

[Amy]

LOVE this entry.

[Shannon]

Well said.

[Lisa]

I now have two sons, and of course, could not imagine my life without either one of them. But I felt this same way after my first son was born, and I wish that same sense of peace to anyone who longs to be a parent.

Beautiful post, Julia!

[Sanna]

I am the mother of one child (now a strapping young man of twenty, still loved as fiercely and deeply as the day he was born).

But not one child in the way people say "do you have only one?". I gently correct: "No, I have one". There's a huge difference and that little word "only" was very hurtful to me for a long time. Almost as if having only one was more problematic in the eyes of other people than having none. At least that's how it often felt.

It took me years to get to where you are now. Congratulations on having reached a milestone.

I've lurked on and off for a while and I have silently applauded your courage in testifying in front of politicians about your experiences. We need more people like you - and they should be running the country.

Maybe when Hannah is a little older you could run for office?

[Shawna]

I have said the exact same thing to my husband: that if we don't manage to have a second (not that we went through a lot to have Grommet - just Clomid - so I don't want to compare our situation as equal to yours or a lot of your readers'), our little family unit of three would be enough for me. We're going to try for a second soon and we'd love to have a sibling for our daughter, but if we don't manage it, I'll be okay.

[Shelley]

I feel this way too, 100% ... so much so that after a late first-tri miscarriage (after my daughter was born), a dx of blood clotting mutations that would require daily injections, and a rapidly ticking biological clock I don't know that we'll be trying for another. I'm very OK with the idea of one for the reasons you so eloquently express... plus I'm just not sure I'm willing to go through another pregnancy, with all the fear I associate with that state. I understand that my situation is pretty minor compared to yours and many of your readers.

Now, on to a practical suggestion about Hannah's limbs getting stuck--we had that issue too, and bought something similar to this:

http://www.walmart.com/catalog/product.do?product_id=4231329

[Louise]

Gorgeous post. I can't wait to feel that way one day :-)

[Nancy]

After losing 7 angels to m/c I am now a mother through the miracle of adoption. Our sweet daughter is from China. It is a wonderful blessing and has healed me in ways I cannot express. I have given up on being able to ever carry a child to term(no known cause for m/c's and an emergency surgery for my last m/c-an ectopic-left me unable to concieve without IVF) but can tell you that the love I feel for our child is overwhelming. We started our paperwork to adopt again last week. I still have moments of grief for my angels, but I know they are watching over me and my family and things are how they should be--I can't imagine a more perfect child :)

[The Aitch]

Word.

[MotherLawyer]

Perfectly said.

I really am only up against a rapidly ticking clock, but I do feel so content with my perfect one that I don't care if I go there again or not.

Thanks for sharing.

[Jennifer]

It's an interesting feeling to know that someone else has stood and done the same thing that I have done on multiple nights. I just couldn't write it as beautfully. Thank you so much.

[cagey]

Beautiful post.

I have often been overwhelmed with how satisfying being a mother is to me. I knew I always wanted to be a mother, but I had no idea how complete and at peace I would feel with my life and even MYSELF after having had my son.

[Simone]

I am respectfully envious of your contentment. What an amazing feeling it must be.

[Jeanne]

I felt your every emotion. What a beautiful feeling! Cherish those moments because they are what life is all about!

[joni Bolton]

I am reading your blog for the first time, I found it when I searched for ashermans syndrome, which I got after a post-partum hemmorage / D&C / infection.......after having my beautiful baby boy in March 2005. I have been struggling with the AS diagnosis and just had an operative hysteroscopy to restore my uterus in an effort to have another child. I pray that I will be again blessed with another little person, but if not, the blessing that I have already been given will not be diminished if that is not what my future holds. I thank you for having the gift, and sharing it, of putting into words what some of us can not.
a new fan..... Joni

[karinatwork]

Right now I am trying to decide if we should go for a second child. Thomas is the love of my life, and he will be 5 next week. I am 39 going on 40, and the fact that so much can go wrong with the baby is driving me insane - insane enough to not even want to try having one!!! To know that Thomas will grow up without a sibling is killing me - not because we weren't lucky enough to have another one, but because I was too chicken to even try.