Uncommon Misconception

Behind the Silence

Okay, so it's not just my ridiculously busy schedule that's kept me from blogging.

Todd and I have some relationship "issues" cropping up, and they're taking a serious toll.  For a girl who's willing to draw pen-and-ink sketches of her uterus, write out first-hand narratives of bikini waxes gone awry, and discuss the most personal of personal decisions, then hit "publish"... well, I find myself strangely at a loss for words about all of this.

There are many factors: the cost of the financial strain we've been under for the past few years; his loss of identity over the past year and his new duties as stay-at-home dad; the role-reversal that we've always had to deal with in terms of our love life; and others I won't go into.

We've been married for over eight years now, together for ten.  I am very much in love with my husband, but we have to do some work to get to the point where I feel that he's still in love with me, too.

My biggest hope is that all of this is situational, and that we can pick through each part to "fix" it.  But I don't know how much of this I can or will talk about here.  It's one thing to dissect my own psyche and quirks, but I'm not sure where the boundaries are when it comes to sharing our relationship here.  And I think it would be wiser to save that mental energy for working through all of this.  Because that's my first priority and obligation, and frankly, it's draining work.

My stats are plummeting lower than they've ever been, and I've never gone so long without posting in the entire six-year history of this blog.  But some things are worth a steep decline in popularity.

I'm not abandoning the blog - don't know if I could if I tried.  I just wanted to be as honest with you as I can about why I've fallen off the face of the earth.  I'll still post when the moment calls for it, and if all goes well, I'll be back to my old self soon.  In the meantime, there's a grindstone that needs my attention.

I know you understand.

A Hiatus of the Unintentional Sort

I'm not going to waste space here with excuses about why I haven't been blogging much.  I just did that in the last post.  Instead, I'm just going to give you a smattering of random thoughts, milestones, and maybe a picture or two.

Vay-Cay

I hate it when people say that.  I'm on vacation.  And I think vacation is a reasonably long word with no real need for truncation.

We're at the beach. The girls have never seen the ocean or a beach before, so this has been great.  The weather is cool, but not cold.  The town is practically vacated.  The only downers so far have been the so-so condition of the condo, the incessant noise from the repair crew that's been using pneumatic drills and grinders all day long, and the tiny bed Todd and I are sharing.

On the up side, it's VACATION!  Which is something we almost never do.  And even though I'm working some, it's still a welcome break.  I can already feel my mind turning to mush.

Hannah

Is there some little stubborn almost-five milestone that no one mentioned to me?  Hannah is mostly wonderful, but every now and then she gets this little attitude and it can be extreme.  Assuming its a phase.

She's also growing like a weed and so freakin' pretty it hurts to look directly at her. (Feel free to check out the flickr pictures over there in the sidebar.)

Me, Elsewhere

If you're missing me, you might have better luck on Twitter.  My twitter stream is over there in the sidebar, too, which is what made me think of it.  I'm not perfectly consistent over there, but it is easier for me to dash off a thought or two there than here.

8.5 Year Itch?

Todd and I need to do some reconnecting.  He seems to be going through the exact same form of loss-of-identity that new moms do.  Being a stay-at-home dad is much harder than he bargained.  He's chin-up about it, but he's also getting a little depressed, stir-crazy, and he seems to have disengaged from our relationship some.

For some reason, this also seems to have coincided with the Great Ex-Boyfriend Reconnect of '09, in which every boy-turned-man who ever had a stray thought about me, took me to a movie, or otherwise played a role in my teenaged life has looked me up on Facebook.  Most of these are welcome.  A handful are not.  But the fact that a handful of guys are saying complimentary things to me right at a time when my husband seems to have take a big step back can cause some conflict.

We had a bit of a come-to-Jesus talk about two weeks ago about this.  The jury is still out on any results thereof.

Worky

I still really like my job.  This month, the balance of new client and existing ones was a bit tougher.  And now I've gone and filled my weekends with photography sessions for the holidays.  So it's about to get four different kinds of crazy over here.  For the first time in... ever, I'm seriously contemplating not really having my own clients, once I move to full time with the new job.  Then again, January is still a ways off, and lots can change. 

Halloween

Caroline is a natural-born trick-or-treater.  She chased after the gaggle of bigger girls, bag on shoulder, hauling hiney in her little lion costume and demanding "trick-treat!" of every stranger.

Hannah was beautiful and courteous and generally lovely.  She had a great time.  We went to our friend's house and did a family-friendly Halloween, with dinner, treats, and group trick-or-treating.  Wonderful.

My best friend and her husband went as Bella and Edward.  Freakin hilarious.  I went as a semi-sexy teacher.  Todd went as himself.  Next year, we'll plan a bit more in advance.

Reading

I'm part way into The Girl with the Dragon Tatoo.  And my dad just brought the new Audrey Niffenegger book, which I think I'll borrow next.  What are you reading?

For that matter, what are you doing?  How's life?

I Think of You Often

I feel like this could read like a love letter from a boyfriend recently departed for some far-flung land.  A letter that comes less frequently with the passing of time.  A letter that reiterates the same points - "Life is busy, but good.  I love you even more with this distance.  And I think of you often." - and yet seems disingenuous because of it's repetitive themes.

And yet... I really do mean it.  I swear baby.  Aw, come on, don't look at me like that...

Life is busy.

This month, I began working four days a week for my new job, giving me one weekday and the weekend to handle my existing clients.  So far, so good.  I've managed to juggle it all without dropping the ball.  It's also given me a good reason to hone in on my absolute best clients and serve them well, rather than taking on so-so clients who might not be the best fit.

The girls are going to an in-home daycare two days a week.  The love it.  As does Todd - though he wishes it were three or four days.

Life is good.

We are very slowly and methodically digging ourselves out of the severe financial duress of the past year.  We still worry, and there is still no margin for error, but I can confidently say that our stress level has decreased by at least 75%.

We will be going on a little vacation in a few weeks.  We're taking the girls and meeting my parents at the coast (the Texas coast) for a few days.  We haven't been on vacation in so long that I'm not sure how to behave.

Caroline is nearly potty trained.  This came out of the blue and is taking a fairly easy course.  I think having an older sibling has helped.

Caroline has had a gigantic language leap.  She talks in the longest, sweetly-worded sentences.  Her impish grin and general tiny-ness add to the overall effect, emphasizing her precociousness.

Moxie came to visit and we spent a night out on the town: margaritas, queso, and line dancing at a gay bar.  Throw in a strange incident with my car key not functioning and a couple of slices of street vendor pizza, and you've got a great time!

Hannah is getting so tall and beautiful that I almost can't breathe.  She's tempering the overall effect though by butting heads with me at every turn.  We're too much alike, plain and simple.

Todd has had a bit of business and a few real closings come through.  Overall, though, he's become the primary caregiver for the girls.  He's becoming more adept every day, but I have to admit that part of me smiles ruefully watching him negotiate all the challenges of balancing childcare and a bit of work - the identity crisis, the cabin fever, the desire to run screaming down the street...  But he's doing it.  And I love him for it.

I love you even more with this distance.

Even though my entire career now focuses on social media, I've found myself with less and less time to actually practice it.  I have good spurts on Facebook and Twitter, and then go silent.  I spend a night trying to catch up on my blog reading, only to watch the "unread" number creep steadily back up.  I think of things I'd love to talk about here, but run out of time and wakefulness at the end of the day.

It makes me recognize (once again) how valuable my online community is, and how deeply I depend on you.

And I think of you often.

Surely I'll find stasis at some point, and I'll find a way to rejuvenate my connections with you.  I still think of you, read you, and quote you to others (who still look at me like a loon for quoting people "in the computer"). Don't think that my silence indicates a cooling of my passions.  

Perhaps you could talk to me to help fill the void.  Tell me the most important thing that's happened in the last week of your life.  I promise to listen carefully.

Grandpa's in Town

My dad is in town today.  He arrived yesterday, in time to spend most of the afternoon pushing on the girls on the swings in the backyard.  It's only 8:30 a.m. and already he's explaining the concept of cells to Hannah.  :)

He can only stay until tomorrow, but I'm hoping he'll answer some of her other hot-topic questions, like "How does electricity work?" and "Is magic real?" before he leaves.

Breathing Through a Straw

I am a mere hair's breadth away from drowning, dear readers.  I have work (wonderful, wonderful work!) coming at me from all angles - new work, loyal clients, deadlines, meetings, and presentations.

I also have no formal childcare.  Todd is helping nearly full-time, but he has to get in client meetings and applications and the like in the hopes that one day soon this god-forsaken economy will turn around and actually render a paycheck.

Today I met with a client who's days away from launching her new brand, and we discussed a joint presentation we're giving next Tuesday. Tomorrow I'm meeting with a new client who may offer me a long-term assignment.  Friday I have to wrap up a web site and finalize that presentation.  Saturday is Caroline's birthday party.  Sunday is a photo shoot.  Monday is actual work, and Tuesday is that presentation.

GAH!

Did anyone bring a snorkel?  I'm feeling claustrophobic.

Connection Addiction

After 48 hours of no internet service, I'm finally hooked up again! [insert thwapping of the inner elbow to raise a vein]

Man, I don't know about you all, but I just can't hang with that much downtime unless I've planned for it and have my crap together.  Which I didn't, and I don't.  Plus, I'm afraid I'll be blogging about BlogHer stuff long after everyone else is done and disinterested. (Wait, you're already there, aren't you.)

I've caught a summer cold (mega-stress and moving considered, it's no great surprise), but we are MOVED and we are CONNECTED (mostly) and, perhaps best of all, the girls have a new PLAYSET!

Some good friends of ours had this amazing play scape thing that was "damaged" in a hailstorm.  So insurance is paying for an entirely new one.  We were all to happy to take the old one of their hands.  It's HUGE.  And KICK-ASS!  And my girls can play on it relatively unsupervised.

And I cannot the feeble excuse for a post pass without mentioning the biggest news of the day:

CAROLINE IS TWO!!!

Sweet Jebus.  Birthday party to follow next week.

For now, I'm off to bury my stuffy, post-nasal-drippy self in a book.  And then bed.

Get Some Goodies!

Okay, so I finally got tired of having to turn down the tons loads scads piles okay, fine, handful of product or service reviews, freebies, and giveaways that come across my inbox.  Since I'm relatively sure that everyone at BlogHer '09 will think I'm all that and a bag 'a sumthin', and will surely want to offer me oodles of neat stuff to try or giveaway, I set up a review blog.

I've written lots of unsolicted product reviews here over the years, and I've written book reviews (but given up the giftcards so I wouldn't violate my ad contract with BlogHer).  Now you'll be able to find those sorts of reviews, plus (fingers crossed) some solicited reviews and product giveaways.  I have a few giveaways in the works, but I can't yet pull the trigger.  In the meantime, come on over and see what's cookin' at Uncommon Goodies!  There's a link up there in the nav, and I'll always post a little head-up post here when I've got something new to tell you about.

Right now, it's a review of Burt's Bees sunscreen, and nifty new gadget I'll be bringing with me to the conference. 

A "Me" Day, and a Fresh Look

The girls are at daycare (thank God Hannah recovered quickly), and I'm taking a "me" day.  Last night I went to bed at 8:30.  I'm pretty sure I haven't done that since the food poisoning hell of last summer.  But I needed it.  I felt physically ill, with body aches like the flu.  I don't know if it was just the stress and sadness of the day, or some minor version of what Hannah had.  Caroline had a rough night, too, so she might have been feeling the same.  I slept in some this morning, but honestly, I could really use about a week of sleep to really recuperate.

So today I decided to just do fun or relaxing stuff.  Top on my list was redesigning the blog.  My big motivation was getting some sort of logo that I could use on business cards for BlogHer '09, which is two weeks away.

[Sticking my fingers in my ears and singing, "la la la la lala la lala" so as not to think about all I have to do before then.]

This is actually a wholly different design than the other one I worked up a few days ago.  I'm fickle that way.  So take a minute to click through and tell me what you think.  Actually, only tell me what you think if you like it.  Or if you have some minor tweak that won't cost me hours to fix.  Deal?

I'm tempted to go with a funnier tag line, like "now with 50% more eyebrow" or "lettin' the cracks show," but I'm afraid that would lose first-time readers who may just appreciate a straight-forward description.

Now I just need to work up the business cards.  I think I'll eat lunch (at 3:15 in the afternoon!) and shower first, though.  I know - lofty ambitions.

On a more serious note, thank you all so very, very much for your kind words of condolence.  I think it would be naive of me not to recognize that losing Bear might trigger a bit of PTSD.  So I'm going out of my way to be kind to myself.

Are you treating yourself well today?  Any suggestions for one who's out of practice?

Okay for Now. Mostly. We Think.

That's about as specific as the vet could get about Bear's condition.  In fancy vet jargon, she believes Bear most likely has doggie vertigo of unknown origin.  Okay,fine.  That's not the technical term.  But damned if I know what is, save for the fact that it starts with a "v" and has a root that means inner ear.

Basically, older dogs can sometimes get this, and they don't quite know why.  Given that Bear is a motion-sick-type dog to begin with, I bet he's loving every minute of this.  Poor thing can't even pee right because he can't lift a leg.  Now that's sad.

There are other possible explanations, but we sprang for some minimal blood work and so far there are no big alarms going off.  He's home now, with medicine that's supposed to counter the vertigo.  He's found a little hidey-hole in the pantry (have I ever mentioned that our pantry is really shelves in the girl's bathroom? fun, huh?!) and he's sleeping away.  I touched him an hour ago and for a paralyzing second, thought he'd died.  Then he spazed out and I felt bad for waking him.

We're out $160 for the day, but at least we don't think he's got a seizure disorder or organ failure.

Thank you for keeping me distracted, by the way.  Keep the stories coming.  I'm fascinated!

To return the favor, I'll point you at a blog I came across yesterday that had me laughing out loud:  Love by the Book.  And since I'm not a twenty-something (at least, not outside my own head) and I haven't dated anyone new in 10 years (gasp!), I'm living vicariously through someone else's escapades.

Cheers!

Distract Me

On Wednesday, Bear, my oldest dog woke up, well... just wrong.  He was walking around with his head cocked at a weird angle, leaning up against walls.  He was walking slowly and barely able to navigate stairs or anything other than simple walking.  We've kept a close eye on him since, checking everything we can ourselves, but really reluctant to take him to the vet because we simply do not have the money.

Today, I finally decided to take him in.  Our guesses range from the severe - like stroke or seizure - to the markedly minor - like an ear infection.  Bear is quickly approaching ten.  Not super-old for a sheltie, but certainly no spring chicken, either.  Our dogs get short shrift around here, progressively notching downward on the family hierarchy with the arrival of the girls.  But we still love them.  Mostly.  Except when they do something messy.  Or annoying.

Bear is clearly my favorite.  He's been an "old man" in temperament from about two months old on - which is rare in such a hyper breed.  Before Todd and I were married, when Bear was a tiny pup, I'd wake up in the mornings and hold him on my lap for 15 mintutes or so, just lovin' on his belly and snuggling before I showered and left for work.  I miss that.

I dropped Bear off this morning and now I'm waiting for word.  They were really packed today with the holiday weekend coming up, so he's got to wait until the vet can see him.  So, while I wait for a phone call, I thought I'd ask for some distraction.

Tell me about your most interesting/heinous/wierd job.  Give me all the gory details.

To get the ball rolling, I'll tell you about mine:

(There may actually be a tie here between the job I'm going to describe, and my first [paid] job as a cook and cashier at Whataburger.  But since nearly everyone has had to work fast food at some point, I'm choosing the more rare of the two.)

When I was sixteen, I was a parts-runner for an auto repair shop.  My friend, Em, got the better of the two gigs at this family-run shop, as the secretary.  She worked indoors with a boom box and air conditioning.  I spent my days with my thighs stuck to the vinyl seats of a mini-truck with a hinky gear shift and minimally functional air conditioning.  My job was to pick up necessary parts from shops, manufacturers, and junk yards and ferry them back to the shop.  I also took customers back to work or home when they dropped off their vehicles for repair.

Now, the thing you have to realize about the auto repair industry is that it's all male.  All greasy, dust-covered, nudie-calendar male.  So when a sixteen-year-old blonde walks in and saunters up to the counter, the reactions were often, well, priceless.  Men of every age would stutter, mumble, and offer me sodas while lamely trying to dust off the only chair and hide their chewin' tabaccy spit cups.  I swear, some actually genuflected as they backed out of the room to get the requested part.

I realize this sounds like bragging, but believe me, it's not.  I think any female under the age 65 and in possession of all her teeth would have received the same treatment.  Invariably, there was flirting, and even what could have qualified as outright harrassment by my "manager" at the shop.  But since my parents owned a company in another male-dominated industry, I was familiar with "good ol' boys", and their innappropriate behavior really didn't bother me.  It was primarily entertainment in a job that offered few, few perks.

I will say, thought, that the other big perk was a chance to learn my way around town.  I drove around every sector of the city, picking people and parts up, with directions that weren't always spot-on.  For better or worse, I had to find my way, and I still remember short-cuts that I gathered along the way.

Okay, your turn.  What have you done to pay the bills?