Uncommon Misconception

Behind the Silence

Okay, so it's not just my ridiculously busy schedule that's kept me from blogging.

Todd and I have some relationship "issues" cropping up, and they're taking a serious toll.  For a girl who's willing to draw pen-and-ink sketches of her uterus, write out first-hand narratives of bikini waxes gone awry, and discuss the most personal of personal decisions, then hit "publish"... well, I find myself strangely at a loss for words about all of this.

There are many factors: the cost of the financial strain we've been under for the past few years; his loss of identity over the past year and his new duties as stay-at-home dad; the role-reversal that we've always had to deal with in terms of our love life; and others I won't go into.

We've been married for over eight years now, together for ten.  I am very much in love with my husband, but we have to do some work to get to the point where I feel that he's still in love with me, too.

My biggest hope is that all of this is situational, and that we can pick through each part to "fix" it.  But I don't know how much of this I can or will talk about here.  It's one thing to dissect my own psyche and quirks, but I'm not sure where the boundaries are when it comes to sharing our relationship here.  And I think it would be wiser to save that mental energy for working through all of this.  Because that's my first priority and obligation, and frankly, it's draining work.

My stats are plummeting lower than they've ever been, and I've never gone so long without posting in the entire six-year history of this blog.  But some things are worth a steep decline in popularity.

I'm not abandoning the blog - don't know if I could if I tried.  I just wanted to be as honest with you as I can about why I've fallen off the face of the earth.  I'll still post when the moment calls for it, and if all goes well, I'll be back to my old self soon.  In the meantime, there's a grindstone that needs my attention.

I know you understand.

Apropos of Nothing

... Except, perhaps, want of a cohesive theme.

Vacation Hangover (hers, but somehow still mine)
My mom used to tell me that when I came back from visiting my grandparents, there was a bit of a "recovery" time, wherein I had to relearn the rules of being a civilized child who followed rules and was generally a peaceable member of society.  The word "spoiled" may have come up.

[enter sigh] She was right.  Hannah has been mostly good since her return, but there are clear signs of vacation hangover: a general grumpiness and refusal to listen, replacing it instead with whines and pouts.

I think it has less to do with anyone [grandma] spoiling anyone [Banana], and more to do with the harsh reality of coming back to the real world.  And honestly, I think we all do this - four or forty.

Yesterday was pretty harsh.  Primarily because Caroline had a super-rough night and I was operating on very little sleep.  Little sleep + cranky kids + neglected work = mom with cartoony squiggles and swear words over her head.

But by the end of the evening it seemed that Hannah received the message: You home now, all the old rules apply.  I think we're back on track.  [clearly, knocking wood]

Wedded Bliss
Yesterday marked eight years since Todd and I were married.  In a fit of celebration, he worked all day while I (grumpily) watched the kids.  The girls and I ate spaghetti and got ready for bed, and when he came home he at microwaved leftovers.  Then he and I watched Deadliest Catch (together), and then a baseball game and reality TV (separately).  Later, we crashed with some mutual "love 'ya"s and pats on the back.

I know.  Steamy, right?

But it was perfect, for us.  I think romance is highly overrated.  Comfort and deep love is much, much better.  Plus, we're going out to a fancy restaurant on Friday night while friends watch the girls.  We'll try and do it up right then.

Severed Lifeline
My church closed.  Yep, closed.  Completely out of the blue, I received an email from the church conference saying they church was closed and that the day before was our last service.  Come get any belongings, thankyouverymuch.

I'm really upset about this.  The church had been a big source of support this year, including financial gifts and donations that were really helping keep us afloat.  Not to mention the massive help of prayers and knowing that there's a larger family out there that will hold you up when you need it.

I feel like there must be something else going on.  The church was only 1.5 years old.  I know the Methodist Church usually allots five years for new churches before the expect them to have their act together.  I thought the pastor was great, the congregation supportive, and in a tiny community like ours, they really played an important role in our lives.

Starting Sunday, I'll have to start my search anew.  Any suggestions for a relatively progressive denomination?

Summer Television
One thing I love about the largely abyssmal summer TV lineup is this: the excuse to watch crap!  Trashy TV is quickly becoming my favorite guilty pleasure.

Wipeout
You really have to watch this - it's hands-down the best stress-relief out there.  Last season, once I forced myself to stop feeling sorry for the contestants (they VOLUNTEER!  and they have a shot a $50K!), I loved every second of the exploitative falls, slips, and periously dangerous head-shots.  This year, the courses are much improved, and the comedic comentary is hilarious.  Even my kids like watching it (with a preceding explanation that it's only okay to laugh at people who fall if a. they're on a game show, or b. you checked to make sure they're okay and stop before you hurt their feelings).

The Bachelorette
I wholeheartedly blame my friend Em for making me watch this.  She also hooked me on I Hate Greenbeans (a recap blog) which is written by a real-life friend of hers.  I generally disagree with the premise of the show and I think the intentionally pick at least a half-crop of losers and drama kings, but man, there's no denying that the show is hilarious!  I laugh out loud every time and usually try to explain to Todd what was so funny, except it never fully translates and I end up sounding like an idiot.  But who cares.  Funny is funny.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey
You can't make this sh*t up.  Fabulous, fabulous, fabulous!  Completely inappropriate in every single way, and yet, 100% addictive.  The "characters" are so over the top that I literally sit there with my mouth hanging open.  And yet, each one of them has deeply redemptive moments that make me tear up!  (I know! How humiliating to cry over crazy people!)  Once you get over the wrongness of it, it's so very, very right.

In the realm of less trashy, I'm also watching Burn Notice (Magnum PI for the new millennium), Saving Grace, Royal Pains, Deadliest Catch ("The crab show" as Hannah calls it), Ice Road Truckers (actually scary this year), True Blood, In Plain Sight, Bizarre Foods (he's actually endearing), and Man vs. Food.

Am I missing any Must-Sees?

Tax Time

I'm up to my elbows in file folders and spreadsheets, trying to get all my documents ready for my tax return.  I find the term "return" ironic, since in my case I've only ever received money back ONCE.  Yep, once.

I particularly hate that as a freelancer it has to be so freakin' time consuming to track every scrap of paper.  I'm not a bookkeeper - I don't even play one on TV.

Anyhoo.  In the good news category, my computer is still limping along, so I'm not in full-on freak-out mode.  And, because I'm watching this week's Lost while folding a load of laundry (a nice break from the tax work), riddle me this:

Have we ever really figured out what the Dharma Initiatives purpose was in the first place?  Did we know and I just forgot?  Because it's starting to bug me.

Goldilocks and the Three Creditors

Hey, remember a few days ago when I said all those nice things about our credit card companies and how they were reformed, polite, and willing to work with us?  Well, apparently, that was just the emotional lube for the bending over that was to come.

Today, I called to confirm that the plans we'd applied for (and had been assured we were well-qualified for) were approved. Guess what?  Not so much.

The representative explained that according to the information we'd given, the underwriter decided our FICA score and debt-to-income ratio were just peachy and we didn't need any help.  I almost cried and asked to speak to a supervisor because HUH?  and WHA?!

The supervisor confirmed that we should be just fine.  I protested and pointed out that I am our only source of income right now and that if we take all debt and monthly commitments into account (not even talking about things like groceries or childcare) we are firmly in the negative in terms of a balance sheet.

"Oh, well," she exclaimed, "I can tell you right off the bat that if we submit information that shows you're upside down, you'll be rejected straight away."

"What?  That makes no sense!  You're saying that we're currently not broke enough, and yet, if you count our other information, we're too broke?  What are we supposed to do?  Default for a few months and try again?  Where is the magic middle number of just the right amount of broke?  And how could my husband's lack of income be anything other than 'hardship"?"

She had no answer, but agreed to let me guess at what that "just right" number might be and resubmit.  If they reject us again, we're out of options.

Fortunately, we've already scheduled a meeting with credit counselors.  They might be able to do something we can't.  For a fee, of course.  GAH!  Thankfully, it's a reputable company who's been doing this for over twenty years and who came recommended by my therapist.  Who may be getting a call from me soon, if this trend continues.

For the record, I'm not saying you shouldn't call your credit card companies.  Because you should.  Some of ours did approve us (again, the logic escapes me) and some at least lowered our interest rates.  I just wanted everyone to know about this whole Goldilocks conundrum before you hand over your information.  Well, that, and I wanted to vent a bit.

Alright - I'm off to check my porridge.

You Hear That Sound?

That's the sound of me sticking my fingers in my ears while I do the mother of all ostrich-acts over here.

Yesterday was a good day - my work is going exceedingly well and I'm reasonably speculative about a chance at full-time, telecommuting work.  Plus, Todd met with a real estate team whose model he likes and he may join them in the near future.

But we can't have two pieces of good news without some form of backslide.

Today we got a letter from the IRS saying the believe our 2007 return has an error and that we owe them just under $3K.

I fired off a letter to our tax lady and then filed the whole mess under "LAALAALAALAALAA - you can't make me liiiiiisten!"

Sinking

I hate to do it, guys, but this one's gonna be on the whine-y side.

Todd and I are most likely going to sell the house. 

Ugh. I have all sorts of thoughts and explanations that I'd like to put on paper here, but suddenly, I just can't.  I don't have the energy to spell it out.

We're drowning, and selling the house is probably our only way out.  There's a lot to be said for starting over - again.  But that doesn't make it any less difficult.

I'm just so very tired.  I want to be able to enjoy my kids, my wonderful career that has suddenly blossomed, my husband and our relationship.  But we can't do any of that while living under this crush of debt.

I'll fill in details when I've got more energy.  For now, could you just send some prayers or warm-fuzzies?  We really need some peace and guidance.

Processing

Some of you already know the reason for my recent silence, but I'm sure most of you don't.  I suppose it's my duty to fill you in, since, as of the last time I checked, there is no subpage on MSN titled "All about Julia".  Though there should be.  I'm that cool.

Earlier this week we learned that my parent's retirement funds and the girls' college education funds may have been wiped out by that SOB, Stanford.  (You can only imagine the restraint it's taking for me to refer to him by an acronym.)

My parents retired early, after running their own business their whole lives.  Now, all of that may be gone - quite literally stolen out of their bank accounts.  Not to be overly dramatic, I will point out that they are still in better shape than one might expect.  This summer (when they moved most of their investments from mutual funds to CDs - which are supposed to be safe, if they aren't, well, fraudulent) they took some of their money and paid off the loan on their house.  As my mom so eloquently stated, "At least they can't [expletive] take that way from me."  And my mom doesn't even use expletives.

We still don't know anything much, and won't for a while.  All the accounts are frozen.  They've hired a lawyer and may even join forces with other friends who invested through Stanford Financial to fight for more information.  The SOB turned over his passport (after his attempt to flee the country failed - they turned down his credit card! HEH!), and the latest news I heard said criminal charges should be filed soon.  The news report also said that none of this was a surprise because "Stanford had been on law enforcement's radar for the past ten years."   To which I say, "Hello?!  Law enforcement: why don't you clue the general public in before they say, I dunno, lose millions of their hard-won money."

But I digress.

There is a lot to take in here, and Todd and I are still just trying to wrap our minds around our usual, pre-scandal, week-to-week struggle.  As soon as I emerge from the fog of all this, I'll bring you up to date and find some upbeat, funny things to talk about.

In the meantime, pull out your best banker voodoo dolls and include my parents in your prayers.

Hm? Wha?

I am so very, very sleep deprived.

Fortunately, Caroline's puking incident and the poopy incident that followed were apropos of nothing in particular.  That was a huge relief.

This weekend was a bit overwhelming, work-wise.  Fun, but overwhelming.  And there's no real let-up in sight.  Which again: good! but overwhelming.

Last night Caroline threw us a curve ball: screaming hissy fits.  Now, it this were Hannah, we would have just shrugged and said, "Of course."  But it's not Caroline at all.  She kept us up last night and has just been utterly out of sorts all morning.  She's off to daycare, but I'm taking her to her 18-month check up at 11:30 today.  I'm hoping they'll figure out the cause because it came so completely out of the blue and doens't seem like a normal "phase" sort of thing.

Yeah, I just said, "sort of thing".  It's a new high in my blogging career.

Meh.

In other news, I'm utterly and thoroughly jealous of Cecily for getting a sponsored trip to Mom 2.0 Summit.  I had so wanted to go.  But between work, broke-ness, and the fact that I'm still nursing Caroline, I just can't see a way to swing it.

I'm SO gonna pull off BlogHer, though.  Just you watch.

Okay.  Off to squeeze in work and a shower before taking my screaming ball of a toddler to the doctor.

Niiiiiice.

It was bad enough knowing I had a whole pile of work to get done today.  (Okay, not really.  I mean, working on the weekend is standard stuff around here, and I'm so happy to have work that I was only sort of pseudo-complaining.) But then Todd called, having just left with the girls about 30 minutes earlier, to say that Caroline projectile vomited in McDonald's.

What a fun day this Valentine's is shaping up to be!

My Apologies

Today is just a crap day.  Actually, it's not just today.  I'm really beginning to feel the effects of the non-stop stress and worry of our life.  I feel beat-up, exhausted, weepy, and glum.  All of those feelings are outside my comfort zone.

My generally upbeat attitude seems to have taken a vacation (Hey, I guess someone should get a break, 'cause we certainly aren't getting one).  I don't like feeling this way.

On Thursday, Todd had his one and only listing taken from him by a relocation company.  It was a million+ listing, which is not the norm in these parts.  That's a potential $19K that won't be coming our way.  Then Friday, a good friend of ours who had (we thought) an incredibly stable job, was laid off.  Every day we hear from friends who sit at their desks watching coworker after coworker be escorted out, wondering if their next to be tapped on the shoulder.  And the news reports each night are filled with more layoffs, hiring freezes, pay cuts, and industry collapse.

I'm just so tired.  And the thought that there may not be a reprieve any time soon - or that things could, in fact, get much worse... well it just makes me nauseous.

I sent an e-mail to Dr. Luz, therapist to the fabulous and freaked-out, today to see if she can help me get my head screwed back on. 

I know there are lots of you out there feeling the same way.  Perhaps we can all join in on a pity party today and draw comfort from the fact that we're not alone.