My headache only seems to surrender to lying down and getting sleep - though a cold pack helped a bit, too. So I'm going to get in a more meaningful entry quick before it notices I'm awake and active.
First of all, as usual, I simply cannot express how much it means to me to have so many strangers rooting for us from all over this planet. It is truly overwhelming and gives me cause to believe in human kindness. It is especially meaningful when I know how hard a time many of you are having with your own disappointments and frustrations right now. I know how hard it can be to see someone else get that positive test when it's been the cause of your own blood-sweating for years now.
So: Thank you.
Secondly, I noticed that I hadn't been capable of writing much about my actual feelings about all of this. They are hard to sum up, but I'll give it a shot. The first one was shock and disbelief. I simply did not believe that this cycle was leading to a damn thing. My fertility signs were rather unimpressive and it was only after some serious analysis and chart comparison that I came up with an approximate ovulation date. When I did, I realized that we'd only had sex once within range of ovulation.
So when I began to feel weird a few days ago (noticing weird smells, prolonged cervical discharge, no cramps, headaches) Hope began her tirades. But even she wasn't very certain. You know it's bad when Hope says, "Um, maybe not so much." I took that HPT mostly out of frustration. My period hadn't shown up that day and I really wanted to take a good painkiller for the headache so I figured, what the hell - at least I'll know.
I was so shocked by the results that I couldn't think of a single ceremonious thing to do. I simply walked downstairs and stuck the test in front of my husband as he was closing up the dishwasher. He looked at it and then said, "Who?! You?" "No, I stole some other woman's urine," I replied.
We both stared and he asked how... I told him he could pretty much figure that one out on his own. And then it dawned on us that this MIGHT be good news. We hugged and spend some more time being befuddled. Then we went for sushi. (My doctor doesn't put this on the no-no list as long as you don't eat a ton and go to a very reputable restaurant.) On the way we actually managed to speak about this pregnancy as if it could make it all the way. And I felt okay with that.
As a matter of fact, I feel okay about all of this. I don't expect anything - good or bad. I feel very Zen (thanks Mollie) about this pregnancy. I feel healthy enough on every level to deal with whatever might come. I have given up trying to control the outcome with positive thinking, or expecting the worst, or knocking on wood at every turn. This baby's health is simply beyond my control. I will do what I can to provide the best home for him or her, but the rest is out of my hands. Surrendering to that is really quite comfortable and reassuring.
That being said, I'm sure some freak-outs are in my near future - so you all remind me of this at a later date.
There is also a certain air of disbelief or forgetfulness on my part about being pregnant in the first place. I literally have to remind myself from time to time. I cannot tell you how nice that is because my last two pregnancies were spent in a state of total and complete obsession that wasn't pretty for me, my husband, or anyone who cared about me. My work suffered, my life suffered.
The one piece of knowledge that is no small piece of comfort is that my nicely-remodeled uterus must be very inviting for this embie - I mean, who wouldn't like hardwoods, granite countertops and brand-new, stainless steel appliances! Of course, this isn't a save-all. I managed to lose my first two children without that pesky scar tissue. But it is nice knowing that that particular issue won't be a problem this time.
So, there you have it folks: Zen, forgetful, numb and inviting. That's me.
