Five years ago, for better or for worse, I began this blog. I barely knew what the term "blog" meant, and certainly had no knowledge of the finer points of blogging. Indeed, I doubt very much that there even were any "finer points" just yet.
But I was - how shall I put it - in a bad way (one needs only look back at my first entry - the bitterness practically leaps off the page) and the idea of a blog looked an awful lot like a dangling lifeline. I'd spent the past month on a message board that was new to me, bearing the dubious title "TTC After Multiple Miscarriages". I wasn't even certain I belonged because, as my OB at the time pointed out, I'd only had two regular miscarriages and three was the magic number. Thankfully - or perhaps, fatefully - I stuck my toe in anyway. There I met Ollie. She was one of a small, elite group of women who had given up the saccharine "baby dust" and "cyber hugs" in favor of a harder, darker, more fact-based approach to infertility. It felt infintely better than the other boards, and yet, dauntingly sad.
Ollie shared a link she'd found to one of these newfangled blogs one day, warning that it may be a bit "darker" than we might be accustomed to, but funnier than hell. It was getupgrrl. She had only begun her blog a month before, and I read each entry in about a half-hour. It was spectacular. She had the gumption to poke fun at some of the most horrific scenes associated with loss and infertility. She dazzled me with entries like "Top Five Embarrassing Things You've Said to Your RE While Under Anesthesia". Her wit was scathing and snort out your nose funny and she gave me permission to do the only thing left to do: laugh at the horror of it all.
From getupgrrl, it was only one small click to a little pregnant, which everyone recognizes at the gateway drug to the infertile blogosphere. Within a week I had decided that I should start my own blog. It was equal parts ego and desperation. And apparently, that's just the mix my soon-to-develop audience was looking for.
The next five years brought more changes that I could foresee. And this blog played a central role in much of those changes.
Life is truly and fundamentally different today than it was five years ago. This blog was indeed a lifeline. I feel much better in this skin. I am, truth be told, an unabashed optimist. Playing the cynic just doesn't suit me very well or for very long. So, in the interest of continuing this saga (as everyone else has, I've toyed with the idea of stopping, but my ego intervenes), I think a good housecleaning is in order. I'm going to work on a new design, update (Lord help me) my blogroll, get rid of the old reviews and other side items, update my "best reads", and maybe even figure out how to get my search tool back.
So, not a minute too soon, my New Year's Resolution is to blog better. I'm not sure precisely what that will look like, but 2009 is sure to bring challenges and I'm going to need you all here to see me through them.
Thank you from the bottom of my egotistical little heart for five years of shared knowledge, grief, love, and cammeraderie.
