Uncommon Julia

I'm sorry, that's just not possible.

I'm going to make this statement fully expecting you to pull an Elaine and shove me half way across the room as you declare, "GET OUT!"

Hannah is about to graduate from kindergarten.

I know. Impossible, right? I don't get it.

... Basically, you're saying I successfully conceived and gestated a small female human, managed to rear her through her infancy (a phase we fondly remember as the projectile vomit era), navigated her through toddlerhood without a single fractured bone, refrained from sending her away to the circus during her "big girl" years when she steadfastly refused to wear anything other than a skirt or dress, held her hand, kissed her boo-boos, rocked her in my arms, swung her in circles, tickled her belly, read her every book in our household 36x over, walked away from her on the first day of kindergarten just in time to conceal my tears, and now... now her whole first year of school is done? Just like that?

Not possible.

In the past year she has achieved so much. Not only is she brilliant, with a story-writing ability that blows me away, and an endearing tendency to successfully complete math computations while still writing the numerals backward (she is her mama's daughter) - she has done something much, much more impressive.  She has endured the splintering of her world and has begun to reconcile, insomuch as anyone can, the fact that her father has left her life.  She has gone from a quiet, serious, watchful, cautious child to a gleeful, funny, stunning, witty, fast (she's a gazelle), grounded, inspiring, force to be reckoned with.

I am in awe of her.

Someone please tell me how this happened.

Adjusting

(Cross-posted from the PW-protected blog.)  Hannah is adjusting amazingly well to kindergarten.  She loves the school, seems to get along with all her classmates, gets nothing but stars for good behavior, and even enjoys her after-school program.

The biggest challenge I've faced so far was the fact that she was so clearly overstimulated in the afternoons when I'd pick her up.  Every day, she comes out of that after school program skipping, jumping, talking non-stop, singing, waving goodbye to friends, asking a million questions, running in circles - and that's in the five minutes it takes me to say hi and sign her out.

No sooner would we get in the car and buckle our seat belts, than Hannah would pick a fight. She'd ask a question she knew I'd respond to negatively, and before I could even pull away from the curb she'd be in full-on melt-down mode.

She did this for the first four days.

I know that kids - especially HSPs - take in a lot of stimulation all day and need a safe place to release all the tension and worry and fear and anger of the day.  That safe place is often their parent, who isn't going anywhere no matter how ugly they get toward them. But still. I'm only human, and acting as a lightning rod for her daily frustration simply wasn't a viable option.

I told Dr. Luz about the situation and she had a great suggestion.  Hannah needed some sort of transition activity or ritual.  Something that helped her acknowledge that she was returning home and switching from one set of rules and people to another. 

So I chose a song that friend had put in a compilation for me.  It's not the most obvious kid's choice.  It's a little punk-meets-pop-meets-girl-power-anger - The Ting Ting's "Shut Up and Let Me Go".

I explained to Hannah that it wasn't okay to pick a fight with Mama every day after school. That I understood she was worked up and over-excited from her long day at school, but that we needed a way to get out that anger and frustration that wasn't mean or hurtful.  I explained that we would listen to this song every day as soon as she got in the car, and that she could scream it and sing and be as loud as she wanted to, but that this was the only time she was allowed to say, "shut up."

It was like a freakin' miracle.

Since then, she hasn't picked any fights.  Except, of course, for the one day I couldn't get the CD to cooperate.

I just had to share.  If you've got your own tricky transitions, I'd look for a magic bullet song or activity of your own.

Kindergarten. No, Really.

Tuesday was Hannah's first day of Kindergarten. I know. I can't believe it either.  I was more than a little worried about how this milestone might go down, given that Hannah is a highly sensitive kid. Being a highly sensitive grown-up, I know the kinds of things she'll need to cope with (bright lights, loud noises, strong smells, new social settings, cold and hard surfaces, new educational demands, and last, but certainly not least, a different sleep schedule).

Fortunately for both of us, I'm far too busy a gal to have the time to freak out. Which means I didn't have the time to let my own fears rub off on her.

I managed to get through all the main preparatory stages - clothing and supply purchases, enrollment, lunch money and supplies, a few lessons on what life is like as a kindergartner - without more than a cursory blip of nostalgia.

It wasn't until I had her and Caroline tucked into bed and began making her lunch in the quiet dark of the evening that I had my first cry. It wasn't long, or hard. But there was sadness.  Mostly because I felt like life has been too hectic to really ease her into this transition. And because she and I were facing this milestone on our own. And there's a little bitterness there.

Tuesday morning, I went into her room to wake her up and received the following comments:

"Mama, this is why I wasn't excited about kindergarten. I'm too tired to get up. It feels like I took a one-second nap."

And yes, I laughed and felt a bit of glee for the payback. "Now you know how mama feels when you guys don't let me sleep!"

She was up and dressed in no time, and we stopped for a few pictures before heading out on her big day.

She handled everything well once we got to school, too.  Lots of hubbub and chaos, but she didn't seem bothered.

Hannah's teacher returned in time for the start of the school year, despite the fact that her mother had just passed away.  She has her own kindergartner, too, and I was so impressed that she was back and functional.  The room was a bit of a circus, with parents milling about, kids alternately clinging to legs or getting into stuff they weren't yet supposed to touch. Hannah took her place on the rug and I saw the first teeny hints of trepidation.

Until she noticed me with the camera.

It wasn't until it was time for me to go that I saw her little lower lip begin to tremble. That's when I knew I was in trouble.

She jumped up and came over to me for a big hug, crying pretty plainly.  I gave her a hug, told her how proud I was of her, and how much fun she was going to have that day. She asked me for a tissue, wiped her eyes, and then went back to her place.

I managed to make it to the hallway before I came undone.  It didn't last long, and I was pretty well recovered by the time I left the building. 

I'm so proud of my Hannah Girl. I can't believe how far we've come.

Caroline's Piggies

I've been doing "This little Piggy" with Caroline at night while I tuck her in.  Last night, I asked her to say it.  Her rendition was too cute not to share:

"Diiiiis lil' piggy went to market.

Dis lil' piggy he not go to market.

Dii-iiis li' piggy had roass beeft.

Dis lil' piggy not have any roass beeft.

Diiiiis lil' piggy went [insert silent squeals with much facial expression here] on home."

Damn, I love that girl.

Behind the Silence

Okay, so it's not just my ridiculously busy schedule that's kept me from blogging.

Todd and I have some relationship "issues" cropping up, and they're taking a serious toll.  For a girl who's willing to draw pen-and-ink sketches of her uterus, write out first-hand narratives of bikini waxes gone awry, and discuss the most personal of personal decisions, then hit "publish"... well, I find myself strangely at a loss for words about all of this.

There are many factors: the cost of the financial strain we've been under for the past few years; his loss of identity over the past year and his new duties as stay-at-home dad; the role-reversal that we've always had to deal with in terms of our love life; and others I won't go into.

We've been married for over eight years now, together for ten.  I am very much in love with my husband, but we have to do some work to get to the point where I feel that he's still in love with me, too.

My biggest hope is that all of this is situational, and that we can pick through each part to "fix" it.  But I don't know how much of this I can or will talk about here.  It's one thing to dissect my own psyche and quirks, but I'm not sure where the boundaries are when it comes to sharing our relationship here.  And I think it would be wiser to save that mental energy for working through all of this.  Because that's my first priority and obligation, and frankly, it's draining work.

My stats are plummeting lower than they've ever been, and I've never gone so long without posting in the entire six-year history of this blog.  But some things are worth a steep decline in popularity.

I'm not abandoning the blog - don't know if I could if I tried.  I just wanted to be as honest with you as I can about why I've fallen off the face of the earth.  I'll still post when the moment calls for it, and if all goes well, I'll be back to my old self soon.  In the meantime, there's a grindstone that needs my attention.

I know you understand.

A Hiatus of the Unintentional Sort

I'm not going to waste space here with excuses about why I haven't been blogging much.  I just did that in the last post.  Instead, I'm just going to give you a smattering of random thoughts, milestones, and maybe a picture or two.

Vay-Cay

I hate it when people say that.  I'm on vacation.  And I think vacation is a reasonably long word with no real need for truncation.

We're at the beach. The girls have never seen the ocean or a beach before, so this has been great.  The weather is cool, but not cold.  The town is practically vacated.  The only downers so far have been the so-so condition of the condo, the incessant noise from the repair crew that's been using pneumatic drills and grinders all day long, and the tiny bed Todd and I are sharing.

On the up side, it's VACATION!  Which is something we almost never do.  And even though I'm working some, it's still a welcome break.  I can already feel my mind turning to mush.

Hannah

Is there some little stubborn almost-five milestone that no one mentioned to me?  Hannah is mostly wonderful, but every now and then she gets this little attitude and it can be extreme.  Assuming its a phase.

She's also growing like a weed and so freakin' pretty it hurts to look directly at her. (Feel free to check out the flickr pictures over there in the sidebar.)

Me, Elsewhere

If you're missing me, you might have better luck on Twitter.  My twitter stream is over there in the sidebar, too, which is what made me think of it.  I'm not perfectly consistent over there, but it is easier for me to dash off a thought or two there than here.

8.5 Year Itch?

Todd and I need to do some reconnecting.  He seems to be going through the exact same form of loss-of-identity that new moms do.  Being a stay-at-home dad is much harder than he bargained.  He's chin-up about it, but he's also getting a little depressed, stir-crazy, and he seems to have disengaged from our relationship some.

For some reason, this also seems to have coincided with the Great Ex-Boyfriend Reconnect of '09, in which every boy-turned-man who ever had a stray thought about me, took me to a movie, or otherwise played a role in my teenaged life has looked me up on Facebook.  Most of these are welcome.  A handful are not.  But the fact that a handful of guys are saying complimentary things to me right at a time when my husband seems to have take a big step back can cause some conflict.

We had a bit of a come-to-Jesus talk about two weeks ago about this.  The jury is still out on any results thereof.

Worky

I still really like my job.  This month, the balance of new client and existing ones was a bit tougher.  And now I've gone and filled my weekends with photography sessions for the holidays.  So it's about to get four different kinds of crazy over here.  For the first time in... ever, I'm seriously contemplating not really having my own clients, once I move to full time with the new job.  Then again, January is still a ways off, and lots can change. 

Halloween

Caroline is a natural-born trick-or-treater.  She chased after the gaggle of bigger girls, bag on shoulder, hauling hiney in her little lion costume and demanding "trick-treat!" of every stranger.

Hannah was beautiful and courteous and generally lovely.  She had a great time.  We went to our friend's house and did a family-friendly Halloween, with dinner, treats, and group trick-or-treating.  Wonderful.

My best friend and her husband went as Bella and Edward.  Freakin hilarious.  I went as a semi-sexy teacher.  Todd went as himself.  Next year, we'll plan a bit more in advance.

Reading

I'm part way into The Girl with the Dragon Tatoo.  And my dad just brought the new Audrey Niffenegger book, which I think I'll borrow next.  What are you reading?

For that matter, what are you doing?  How's life?

I Think of You Often

I feel like this could read like a love letter from a boyfriend recently departed for some far-flung land.  A letter that comes less frequently with the passing of time.  A letter that reiterates the same points - "Life is busy, but good.  I love you even more with this distance.  And I think of you often." - and yet seems disingenuous because of it's repetitive themes.

And yet... I really do mean it.  I swear baby.  Aw, come on, don't look at me like that...

Life is busy.

This month, I began working four days a week for my new job, giving me one weekday and the weekend to handle my existing clients.  So far, so good.  I've managed to juggle it all without dropping the ball.  It's also given me a good reason to hone in on my absolute best clients and serve them well, rather than taking on so-so clients who might not be the best fit.

The girls are going to an in-home daycare two days a week.  The love it.  As does Todd - though he wishes it were three or four days.

Life is good.

We are very slowly and methodically digging ourselves out of the severe financial duress of the past year.  We still worry, and there is still no margin for error, but I can confidently say that our stress level has decreased by at least 75%.

We will be going on a little vacation in a few weeks.  We're taking the girls and meeting my parents at the coast (the Texas coast) for a few days.  We haven't been on vacation in so long that I'm not sure how to behave.

Caroline is nearly potty trained.  This came out of the blue and is taking a fairly easy course.  I think having an older sibling has helped.

Caroline has had a gigantic language leap.  She talks in the longest, sweetly-worded sentences.  Her impish grin and general tiny-ness add to the overall effect, emphasizing her precociousness.

Moxie came to visit and we spent a night out on the town: margaritas, queso, and line dancing at a gay bar.  Throw in a strange incident with my car key not functioning and a couple of slices of street vendor pizza, and you've got a great time!

Hannah is getting so tall and beautiful that I almost can't breathe.  She's tempering the overall effect though by butting heads with me at every turn.  We're too much alike, plain and simple.

Todd has had a bit of business and a few real closings come through.  Overall, though, he's become the primary caregiver for the girls.  He's becoming more adept every day, but I have to admit that part of me smiles ruefully watching him negotiate all the challenges of balancing childcare and a bit of work - the identity crisis, the cabin fever, the desire to run screaming down the street...  But he's doing it.  And I love him for it.

I love you even more with this distance.

Even though my entire career now focuses on social media, I've found myself with less and less time to actually practice it.  I have good spurts on Facebook and Twitter, and then go silent.  I spend a night trying to catch up on my blog reading, only to watch the "unread" number creep steadily back up.  I think of things I'd love to talk about here, but run out of time and wakefulness at the end of the day.

It makes me recognize (once again) how valuable my online community is, and how deeply I depend on you.

And I think of you often.

Surely I'll find stasis at some point, and I'll find a way to rejuvenate my connections with you.  I still think of you, read you, and quote you to others (who still look at me like a loon for quoting people "in the computer"). Don't think that my silence indicates a cooling of my passions.  

Perhaps you could talk to me to help fill the void.  Tell me the most important thing that's happened in the last week of your life.  I promise to listen carefully.

The Winner! and Another Chance.

The (randomly selected) winner of our HAPPYBABY baby food prize is Michelle, who has twins!

What's more, HAPPYBABY loved your responses and appreciated your willingness to promote a female-run enterprise that they decided to offer ANOTHER GIVEAWAY! 

HAPPYBABY is running strong in the Shine a Light contest and would really appreciate more votes.  Drop by there and vote (it's not required, but it would be nice) and then leave a comment here (just one please) by October 16th to enter to win $40 worth of free baby and toddler meals and snacks from HAPPYBABY. 

Yay free stuff!

*In case you're wondering, or are from the FTC, I'm not getting crap for this.  I just like helping out.

A Partial Exhalation

So far so good.  Next weekend will be the true test, but I'm feeling pretty good about our odds of escaping unscathed.

Hey, I Know!

How 'bout a giveaway?!

My good friend does a little work on the side representing HAPPYBABY baby food.  Wait, is that redundant?  Anyhoo... apparently my Caroline loves the HAPPYBABY green puffs, and I've heard nothing but rave reviews from my neighbor and other moms about their baby food line in general.

But what I really love is the fact that there's a woman entrepreneur at the heart of this company.  I'm a sucker for those.  And, HAPPYBABY is up for the Shine a Light competition.  So go cast a vote for a do-gooder company, run by a woman, in service of babies.  It's a gazillion warm-fuzzies all rolled in to one!

Then, leave a comment by Wednesday, Oct 7th (one please!) and I'll enter you in a drawing for $40 worth of free baby and toddler meals and snacks from HAPPYBABY.  Don't have a kid?  Enter anyway - you can send the prize to a lucky baby of your choosing.

What are you waiting for?!  Comment!